MAGNETIC REVERIE Page 11

  “So far we did things and went places that I wanted. As I have anyway bit over 100 EUR in my wallet at this moment, do you have any wish where to go today?”

  “Hmmmm, let me think babe!” After just few seconds she came up with the proposal: “Let’s go to Bled. I could eat now one cream cake and I know you like it also!” She smiled happily like a child and I accepted immediately her suggestion. I loved Bled and the local cream cakes.

  Claire didn’t have a car and as far as she told me I didn’t have one either. Both of us had a driver license though. Who knows, maybe I was planning to buy it soon, as I remember I had the plan to buy a car before meeting Greg, but then when our relationship got serious and we started talking about future, I decided that it made no sense to buy it if I was moving soon to US. But at least I had the money, which were more necessarily now.

  Both not having a car wasn’t a reason not to continue with our plan. As Bled was one of the most touristic destinations in Slovenia, there were plenty of buses from Ljubljana. We went back home and got dressed. We were full of energy, predicting what the day ahead of us can bring; we left the apartment and went by foot to the bus station. We were both active persons, enjoying walking so we didn’t even need to discuss how we can reach the station. We needed just about fifteen minutes by foot to come there and had to wait only ten minutes for the bus after we purchased the tickets.

  We took our seats and felt like we are having a real adventure. The trip itself was really pleasant and it took bit more over an hour. The bus was full mostly with tourists and I felt like one as well. So there I was, traveling through Slovenia in my dreams with the most beautiful girl I ever saw, feeling like a tourist and breathing air of adventure through all my pores. During the trip I looked half of it over the window and half at her. Each time I looked at Claire I noticed her eyes were on me. God, this woman, this beautiful woman was so overwhelmed with me. I could simply feel it. But she was growing so fast and so deep in my heart as well. I felt that my feelings are getting really strong. Usually I needed longer time to fall for somebody, but with her nothing went by the rules. Just the fact that she was a woman was breaking any rules from my past. It is not that I really had a rule never to date a woman, it is just that I never thought I could date anything but men. Claire was the first woman I ever kissed and felt more than just friendship for her.

  Tucked up close to the Austrian border, Bled was a real great place and getting there by bus from Ljubljana was a relatively painless experience. The price of the ticket was relatively cheap so despite the fact that I didn’t manage yet to withdraw money I had in the bank, it didn’t seem a trip that we can’t afford.

  From the bus station we went towards the city center, walked south along Svobode Street (which in Slovene means street of freedom and thinking of the name of the street brought a smile on my face) until we hit the water. The view over there was incredible. Bled’s greatest attraction is its exquisite blue-green glacial lake with the medieval castle perched atop a steep cliff rising above. No matter how many times I saw this place, I always enjoyed seeing it. The lake is lovely to behold from almost any vantage point, and makes a beautiful backdrop for the walk along the shore. So first we decided to take a walk around the lake, which was naturally the focus of the entire place. Hopefully we will have time as well to visit the castle and enjoy the breathtakingly views of the surrounding nature.

  However as we were in Bled we had to start first with the vanilla cream cake. This was almost like a must. During years I tasted this cake from all places that offered it and I was surprised to see that Claire’s favorite was the same as mine, the one from Smon’s place, light and fluffy with a crisp crust. So another thing we had in common. We went back in the direction of the bus station to reach the place. For both of us it didn’t matter that the atmosphere of the place was rather plain, however the service was provided with a pleasant smile. But eating the best cream cake in addition to the company of the girl of my dreams made me see life in pink. As it was already lunch time and the cake was so delicious we decided to double the portion and skip regular meal. Sometimes we have to go crazy for our cravings. As long as there was no reason for Claire to be sad, no matter what I did and where I was, life was beautiful with her.

  Going closer to the lake we sat on a bench and looked at the island which was in the middle of it. I went to Bled countless times in the past but I visited the island only once. Tiny, tear-shaped Bled Island beckons from the shore. There’s the Church of the Assumption and a small museum over there, but the real thrill for me was the ride out by pletna boat (gondola). So after bit more of walking around the lake we decided to take the gondola and go to the island. After few pleasant minutes of sailing, the pletna set us down on the south side at the monumental South Staircase. The staircase that was built in 1655 comprises ninety-nine steps. For Claire was no problem to reach the top and it wouldn’t be for me as well, as they were easy, but looking at Claire from behind and not paying attention I slightly sprained my foot, so I had to take a break. She returned for me and checked immediately if I was fine. Luckily it seemed it was nothing, so her face radiated careless free. Then she asked me if I remembered what the local tradition was for the staircases.

  “I don’t remember,” I said a bit ashamed that I didn’t know this for such an important touristic place from the country that I was born in and lived for so many years.

  “The local tradition is for the husband to carry his new bride up them,” she said it smiling intending to pick me up and caring me on the stairs. This made me laugh, but I had to refuse her from different reasons. First I had no idea if she could actually lift me up. Secondly I would be embarrassed that people would look and might be judgmental. Third, I was afraid about the meaning of the local tradition and what did she actually want to imply by it. I didn’t want to give her hope as I myself wasn’t sure how far things could go. So even if this created a mix of feelings I remained with the smile on my face and got the strength to continue. Maybe she just simply wanted to help me reach the top with lesser effort.

  Still, there was this question in my head that didn’t give me peace.

  “Claire, when we were together, was there any role play between us?”

  “What role play, babe?”

  “Like one of us would play the male role?” I was embarrassed about asking this. She may have noticed it, but she didn’t let on that she did.

  “No way, babe. We are both women. We didn’t play roles. We do not like gender roles at all. We acted as we felt. If you cooked more often it didn’t mean that you were the wife. If I chose to carry you up the stairs it didn’t mean that I was the man. It was about each of us taking the initiative to do things we wanted to do. Although… I wouldn’t mind taking care of everything as I want you to know how special you are to me!”

  “But what about other gay couples?”

  “I know that some tend to play roles, at least verbally with the woman/man words. Sometimes, one has the butch look to seem like a male. But honestly, I don’t know how it works for each of them!” I really liked her explanation. I agreed entirely. Since I had not been in a relationship with a woman before, I was new to a lot of things and had a lot of questions, which could seem silly to Claire and even me sometimes, but I guess it was normal and I had to ask. I was also sure that some answers would become apparent through the course of our relationship.

  While on top of the staircase we were very close to the church and of course we decided to go inside. The baroque Church of the Assumption dates from the 17th century and it’s the jewel of picturesque Lake Bled. It is tiny, but romantic. Inside we could see some fresco fragments from the 15th century, a large gold altar and part of the apse of a pre-Romanesque chapel. But the moment I saw the belfry that had a “wishing bell,” and the note that said one could ring it to ask for special favors, I had an idea. I couldn’t resist the temptation to use the occasion. The story of how the belfry came into the church is impressive and made every
thing seem more powerful.

  The story says that once upon a time there lived a young widow in the castle of Bled. Her husband was killed and his body was thrown into the lake. She was devastated so she gathered all her valuables and ordered to cast a bell for the church on the island in the memory of her beloved husband. But unfortunately, the bell, the boat and boatmen sank during a terrible storm. Some people like to say that even today sometimes, on a dark night you can hear the sunken bell ringing from the depths of the lake. After this tragic event the desperate widow became a nun in Rome and did numerous good deeds. After her death the Pope had heard about her and of her misfortune, so decided to make a new bell in her memory. He said that anyone that rings the bell three times and believes in God, his or her wish would come true.

  This story is quite sad but very romantic and lovely. So many people really believed that the bell makes all the wishes come true. We entered the church and felt lucky as we were there at the end of the day and there were only few people inside, so we could enjoy the beauty and peace of the church. However we did some noise of our own when we made the wish.

  We took turns and pulled the rope to ring the bell, speaking our wishes in our heads. We didn’t bother that the story would most probably initially be available for heterosexual people as this is what the church seemed to approve of in the past. We just enjoyed the moment and the opportunity and the great echo that could be heard in the chapel when you pull the rope.

  Of course we didn’t tell each other our wishes but hoped our wish would come true. I didn’t want this moment to end as I was so happy. The place was wonderful and romantic. The atmosphere, the surroundings and Claire next to me, everything was just breathtaking. As the island was really small, when we finished at the church, we didn’t have much else to see. But since our heads were in the clouds, we didn’t think of checking the schedule for the pletna boats to return to land in advance. In the beginning, we didn’t panic. With time, though, we began to realize that our planning had gone wrong. Thankfully, we noticed people going downstairs and believed that there would be at least another boat that evening. And after some more time, another boat did ply, so we were saved.

  But later, we realized that the greater panic is created by missing the last bus to Ljubljana. Forgetting to pay attention to time, we acted like people that fell in love. I knew that Claire had already told me that she loved me. But what about me? I knew I had feelings. On one side, they were pleasant. But on the other side, they scared me. I had never loved a woman this way. Was it even possible? Soon, we were looking at the taxi rates, when Claire came with up with the idea of spending the night in Bled, which was likely to cost us as much as the taxi fare to Ljubljana. I liked her idea, also because I didn’t do adventurous things and this was an adventure. I was hardly spontaneous, so every little thing out of my planned path felt like an adventure.

  We managed to find a room in a private house that was close to the bus stop. Luckily there was enough money left to cover the cost for the accommodation. We were exhausted from all the walking, so we decided to shower and go to sleep. As we hadn’t planned to spend the night, we didn’t have any toiletries or clothes to change, but we didn’t care. Everything we needed was in the room to get clean, and we slept in our underclothes. This gave me the chance to see Claire and her beautiful body that had no imperfections. I felt proud that she wanted me. My heart was vibrating with passion for Claire. We were ready for bed when I realized that my leg was hurting and swollen. It wasn’t an innocent sprain after all! I didn’t want to worry her, but she noticed it. She took immediate action and went to the landlord for ice and cloth. She used the cloth and put the ice inside, and wrapped it around my leg. She tied it up with her scarf. I looked at how carefully she took care of my leg. My heart was swelling with love. I spent time looking at her, and her gesture touched my heart and made me feel special.

  “I love you,” I said. Despite the silent voice, she heard me. She looked at me. Her eyes were sparkling. For a moment, she didn’t say or do anything, mostly because she was shocked. She wasn’t expecting to hear it, but I realized that what I felt for her was truly love. This was it! I was in love with the girl from my dreams! She came closer and hugged me, and began to kiss me deeply. It seemed that her eyes were in tears. I was sure they were tears of happiness. “I love you too babe. I never stopped loving you. You made me so happy now. My dream came true!” she said, and continued kissing me. She was so happy!

  She stopped for a while with the kisses and continued telling me, “This was my wish when I pulled the rope in the chapel! I wanted to hear you tell me at least once more that you love me! These words from your mouth are magic to my ears and a balm for my heart.”

  Hearing this made me feel even better. It was a moment of great joy, happiness and fulfillment, and also of hope. As her wish came true, there were chances that my wish could come true as well! We fell asleep, hugging each other, with smiles on our faces. I never wanted this to end. I was happy, very happy. Although I was tired, Claire fell asleep before I did. Her hands were curled around me, and I felt her breath. It was a relaxing sound. She was so beautiful at night, too, my angel with blue eyes, blond hair and a wonderful heart. And her heart belonged to me. To me, only.

  I felt like she was my soul mate while Greg was my life partner. Why couldn’t I have found both in one?

  I had never had a friend like Claire. Sure, I had girl friends, but I felt a different connection with her. The kiss and the relationship she said we had made me think differently of her. But there was something that constantly drew me to her. These wonderful days that we had spent together seemed enough for me to fall in love with her.

  Except the kisses and hugs, there was nothing else between us. I was bit scared how I would react if this would go to the next level. As I spoke those three words and I admitted to her and myself that I felt an emotional intimate connection growing between us, this didn’t make me dare thinking of her in sexual way. Can we reprogram our bodies and feel and grow passion for the person we fall in love no matter what our gender is? Or is it the sexual attraction that becomes the first step in falling for somebody? I believe couples have different orders of emotions. In the beginning, I found Claire really pretty, tender, caring, sensitive and strong at the same time. I was comfortable, enjoying myself talking to her, and spending time with her. This was love. Could this lead to something more? Yes, we hugged and kissed and while doing that I felt really pleasant and I didn’t want to admit that I felt aroused, but I did. It happened a few times that while we hugged, we felt each other’s breasts and sometimes our hands accidentally touched the other’s breast on the side. But those moments didn’t make me wish for anything more. When we first hugged, it was strange to feel her breasts touching me but I tried to ignore the feeling, however with time I got used to it and found a secretive pleasure from it. My whole life, I never thought I could be with a girl, I never looked a girl with sexual desire. But now it was different.

  Once, I read that we fall in love with a person regardless of gender. In that moment, I didn’t see the depth of this saying. But the more I knew and spent time with Claire, the more I understood it. I read about women who gave up on men once they had their first girlfriend. A majority of them never went back to men. But there weren’t specifics listed and at that time, I didn’t bother much. In my naiveté, I assumed that maybe those women were disappointed with men or had discovered their homosexuality much later. I remember we once had a discussion in a group of heterosexual friends. We were interested to know if there was a female-male role split between them and if they won’t function if they’d wish both to be the female for example. I didn’t think of it then, but I realize now how ignorant I was! I wanted to be able to go back in time and react differently. From the explanation Claire gave me during the day, I knew there was no need to think too deeply about this.

  As time passed, I stopped wondering how I had managed to have such a long-winding and continuous dream. I
was more wondering why this was happening. What was the meaning of this? Yes, dreams are created by our thoughts, fears, day-to-day experiences, unfulfilled desires, unexpressed anger and other emotions. But what was behind this dream? It was hard to find a satisfactory answer. I was dreaming about somebody that I had never known before. I didn’t recall having this kind of a wish, much less one of this kind going unfulfilled. But then again, this was a dream! Would I have this dream all my life? Would I be sad when this dream would end? Was I cheating my husband with these dreams? If I loved her, did it mean that I no longer loved Greg? There were too many questions and it was frustrating to not have an answer. I remembered David’s words, though – when he rescued me from what could have been a bad accident: “Everything happens for a reason. Sooner or later, we will find our answers!” I decided to stop questioning myself for a while and focus on being patient till the answers come.

  I was sure that there was nothing else to do than to let time reveal the mystery and answers to all things that didn’t have much logic. Or maybe they did. But I had problems being on the same page with them.

  Chapter 8

  CRAZY LOVE

  “When love is not madness it is not love.” ― Pedro Calderón de la Barca

  When I woke up, I felt tremendous happy, remembering our trip to Bled and the moment I told Claire that I loved her. I looked around me, and saw Greg in bed. He was asleep. I don’t remember ever being so sad to wake up in bed with my husband. He must have returned at night, and as usual, must have made sure not to make a sound to wake me up. He was always so thoughtful! Right now my heart was filled with love for Claire. But towards Greg I felt only remorse.