MAGNETIC REVERIE Page 12

  Not being with Claire and betraying my husband made me miserable. How could this be possible? I always thought of myself as a loyal partner. Yet, here I was. I had two people that loved me and I loved back. I was unhappy. I knew what the reason was. With Claire, I was in the beginning of the relationship, still in the honeymoon stage. Some days ago, I remember thinking that I missed that with Greg. I had to be happy that my wish had come true. But the feeling was not complete, as Greg was very much present in my heart and life. I felt pathetic and it made me sick. I was hunting for something unreal. I felt strong for people that didn’t even exist. My husband had no idea what was going on. For a moment, I realized that while I had dreams with Claire, I was asleep, hugging my husband, in bed. This was really sick! I felt nauseous.

  “Good morning pretty-head!” he said, in a happy tone. He kissed me on my cheek. I didn’t move. I tried not to show any expression on my face. I felt like a hypocrite. Perhaps seeing me look strange, he asked, “Are you okay, sweetie? I thought you would be in a better mood now that I am home! I missed you so much!” He was still looking at me, waiting for a reaction.

  “Good morning dear! Great to have you back!” I forced myself to say those words.

  “You can try to be more convincing!” Of course, he noticed that something wasn’t right.

  “What do you want from me?” I couldn’t believe myself! I was somehow allergic to his words and his closeness. I wanted Claire. I needed Claire. I was madly in love with her!

  “I don’t recognize you, Lana. What is going on?”

  “Nothing. Just leave me alone!” I couldn’t control my temper. The nausea wouldn’t go away. I tried to change my position in bed, hoping I would feel better.

  “Did anything happen while I was away? Are you upset that I stayed a night longer?”

  “Yes.”

  “How can you be like that? I told you it was for work. I wouldn’t stay a minute without you if I didn’t have to. You know this.”

  “Are you sure it was because of work?”

  “Of course, cutie pie. What other reason could there be?”

  He wanted to hug me, but I pushed him away. I knew this was something that he didn’t deserve. I had the need for a fight this morning. Maybe that way, I would have time on my own to think of Claire. I was in love with her. I couldn’t have anyone else touch me. I just couldn’t. Greg wasn’t guilty. The only thing was that I had met him before I had met Claire. Now, I had to pretend I was the happy married wife, which I wasn’t. At least not anymore. He actually couldn’t do anything to make me change my opinion. It would be much easier if I had a greater reason to be angry with Greg. Like this, it was easier for me. I was selfish, but any newly in love person isn’t logical, either. I wanted Claire. I couldn’t breathe without her.

  “Just please leave me alone, would you?” I turned away and cover my face with the sheet. I wasn’t proud of what I was doing. I had provoked a fight out of nothing. I was too upset. I didn’t have empathy for him.

  “I really can’t recognize you!” he said, in a serious voice.

  “I am in the same situation, believe me!” I said.

  “Please tell me what’s going on. This is driving me crazy!” he raised his voice.

  “Maybe you can explain!”

  “Explain what? Lana, what the hell is going on?”

  “Explain who was in your hotel room last night!” Claire was right. I could be an actress. I had just created a fight. Now, I had spiced it up with an assumption of adultery. Even if he was with somebody, what right did I have to ask him for an explanation while it was me who was cheating on him for the past two weeks? It didn’t matter that it happened in my dreams. I brought every little aspect and emotion with me to reality. The feelings I had for Claire were as real as they would have been, had she been real.

  “I can’t believe this. Did you call at the hotel last night? “

  “Yes.”

  “Sugar. I forgot to mention you that we were changing hotels as the first one was booked only for one night. There was no empty room for the second night and we had to find another hotel. I didn’t mention this to you as it didn’t seem important.”

  “Now you are making excuses?” I said. I could have seen in his words a logical reason. In case some woman would book the room he had the night before and I would call and a woman would answer it would immediately make me think there is a woman in his room. So totally perfect reaction from my side this morning. Should I call this luck?

  “Sweetie. I understand how you might feel, but please believe me that I am telling you the truth. Why didn’t you call immediately on the mobile so I can confirm I am alone.” I felt sadness and compassion in his voice. Poor Greg, not just that he had to face this artificially created fight, but he is also sorry for me now, because of a lie. It was the first time since we got married that we didn’t see each other for two nights and instead of showing how happy I am to have him back next to me, I chose this stupid fight. As I said, nothing logic about anything. However I had to continue with what I started despite my stomach sickness.

  “I was shocked when I heard the voice of a woman and also I remembered that initially the second night wasn’t in the plan so I got angry and didn’t want to talk with you anymore.”

  He came closer to me and kept me in a forced hug. I fought back but then I gave up only because if I would move more, my nausea would get worse.

  “Lana, please calm down. Nothing happened. It was just a misunderstanding and if I would know what I know now, I would for sure do it differently.”

  I was aware that all this discussion had begun from an artificially created reason but this made me even angrier. “How could you think it was not important to mention this? Not just that, you didn’t tell me about the hotel, but you didn’t even call me last night. What else could I think except that you were cheating on me?.”

  “You know I wouldn’t cheat on you. You are the love of my life. I don’t need anyone else.”

  He was so sincere saying those words, I was also running low on energy so I felt I was getting softer. Under different circumstances I wouldn’t but I was aware that it was I who had forced the fight and the nausea only got worse. Of course I knew he wouldn’t cheat on me and actually I wasn’t even concerned with this lately, nor did he ever gave me any reason to doubt.

  “I love you Lana,” and he wanted to kiss me when suddenly I started to vomit in front of him, on his legs, chest and on the bed.

  I ran into the bathroom and continued vomiting for I don’t know how long. This was the least romantic moment of my life. Greg told me that he loves me and I vomited on him. I locked the bathroom door so he couldn’t enter even if I was aware that he would need to clean up as well. But it seemed that he cared less about this as he was constantly by the door however asking me if I am okay and if he should call an ambulance.

  I washed my face with really cold water, my hair was wet in front and sweaty in the back due to the nausea and vomiting, my face was pale. I was looking and feeling miserable. At one moment I just imagined that if Claire could be there next to me, I would feel immediately full of energy and happy.

  But I threw that thought when I saw that Greg carelessly changed the sheets, so the bed linen were again fresh. The fight from before lost its importance. I spent the whole day in bed, I declined to go to see a doctor. I thought that it might be some stomach virus or maybe some food I ate yesterday that didn’t suit me. So I had to announce again at work to call in sick, but this time I was not pretending. Greg had to go to work and he felt so sorry to leave me alone. He called every half an hour to check on me. I just lay in bed the majority of the day trying to get my strength back, wishing for Claire hands to heal my pain.

  At one moment an idea came into my head and I tried to find some power to get dressed and went to the drugstore. It was a short walk, but the smell outside was not doing me good. So these few minutes were like a true agony to me, I was really trying not to vomit again. Fin
ally I returned to the apartment, I went to the bathroom and a few minutes later I yelled out of despair. Why now? I told to myself. Why now?

  Tears were pouring down my face. I simply couldn’t find a way out of this misery. I might have fallen asleep after so much crying and pain that I endured through the whole day. When Greg came he surprised me with a soup and dry bread, something that could do me good. However shortly after I vomited that also.

  I didn’t have the power anymore to fight so he simply decided that it is really time to take me to the hospital. I just let myself to whatever he decided to do. I felt so light while he carried me on the stairs and put me in the car, making sure he doesn’t hit my head.

  I could see that he is worried, but I didn’t have any power to say anything to make the situation look different. If I would knew that he would be thrilled to hear that we are going to have a baby I would tell him the moment I found out. But like this I was scared of his reaction. Whatever I could say would not help the things to look better.

  After few hours of waiting, I finally saw a doctor, they did some tests and we were sitting in the waiting room.

  The moment the doctor approached us, I saw his smile on the face and he then told us, what I knew already since that afternoon.

  “Congratulations! You are pregnant!” I wanted to be somewhere else in that moment. I didn’t dare to look at Greg. I just stayed blank.

  The doctor seemed to be used to different reactions to this kind of news so he immediately started to give me some advices and of course I was supposed to go through all the pregnancy procedure with my personal doctor. Soon after that we were ready to go. I was bit afraid to be alone with Greg, I didn’t have the courage yet to face his reaction.

  I looked at him and the expression on his face was undefined. Normally I would be very disappointed if I wouldn’t see him reacting happy the same moment he hears that we are going to have a child. But right now, being pregnant seemed more of an inconvenience. I wanted the baby so much prior I met Claire. Of course this didn’t mean that I don’t want the baby, just right now I wasn’t ready to have a baby with Greg. After we had that conversation few nights ago, I promised him that I will be patient and wait for a while.

  “At least we know now the reason and we shouldn’t worry so much about your health. Of course we should make sure that you and the baby will be fine!” these were the few words he managed to speak in a very cold manner and then we went together towards the car.

  I was still weak, but the latest news made Greg being less interested in my physical state. I walked by myself. I felt he was angry at me. I didn’t do anything to force him to get me pregnant. Things like this happen! No contraception offered 100% guarantee except abstinence. Everybody knew that! So no, I didn’t play any tricks to get pregnant. After all it shouldn’t have been such a tragedy! We were married, had our own means of income, a roof over our heads and until recently, I had a strong desire to be a mother. So what if it didn’t fit the scenario? Many other things didn’t and we did them anyway. For example, I didn’t plan to marry an American and move across the ocean. But I didn’t fight destiny, I followed my heart. So this baby was what my heart wanted and I was going to have it! I was going to ignore everything else that could spoil the journey I had started. Suddenly I felt happy. I had not even a tiny reason not to be. I was going to have a baby! We were going to be parents soon. That was a big step and a happy one, at that.

  We drove in silence. I wondered what he was thinking. I hoped an epiphany would hit his mind in the last few minutes and that he would be happy, sweet and warm, like the Greg I knew.

  “Will you please say something?” I asked, as I couldn’t stand the silence anymore.

  “We said we would wait a bit longer, didn’t we?” his sharp words and voice made my hopes disappear.

  “Oh my God, Greg! I didn’t do anything. If you think I tricked you into this, you are so wrong!”

  “So how did it happen?” His question made me so angry.

  “Very simple. We had sex, I was ovulating and here it is, I am pregnant. I don’t need to go into more details, do I? This is the reality.”

  “But you were on pills! Did you stop? Or did you lie that you are taking them?”

  “Are you calling me a liar? I cannot believe it!” I was angry. He was so sure that I had done something to fool him. This wasn’t the Greg I had known. Apparently, he had his flaws. This was supposed to be a happy moment for us. We had just found out that our baby was growing inside of me. This was a moment to celebrate and be happy, but here we were, angry at each other. I was angry at myself as I had allowed him to diminish my happiness at being pregnant. I was desperate. This could somehow influence my relationship with Claire. Yes, it was possible that I had forgotten to take the pills as I was concentrating on Claire during the day. While these thoughts went on in my mind, the situation didn’t seem to get better. The air seemed tense. I was disappointed with his reaction. No matter the circumstances, this deserved to be celebrated as a happy moment. Maybe he actually didn’t want a kid at all, not now and not later. Maybe he was just buying time with excuses, hoping that one day, I would give up on my wishes. Time passed in silence. Greg seemed upset. I heard the loud noise of him slamming the brakes. There was so much noise and it felt like something hit me. I tried to open my eyes, but I couldn’t. And then, there was complete silence.

  Something woke me up. It was dark in the room so I couldn’t understand where I was. I had a strong headache, like I had gotten hit in the head with a hard object. I might have made a sound, because I had woken Claire up. Yes, she was the one beside me.

  “What is wrong, babe?” she asked. Hearing her voice made me happy. Suddenly, I felt a warm feeling in my heart and the headache wasn’t so sharp anymore.

  “I don’t know, darling. I woke up and my head hurts really bad!”

  “Your head? Poor you. You hurt your leg in Bled and now your head is bothering you! I am sorry, babe. Try to relax. It will go away the moment you go back to sleep.”

  “But I can’t sleep. I better stand up.”

  “Babe. It’s just a few minutes after midnight. You need to sleep!” She pulled me closer, placed my head on her shoulder and began patting me on the head, murmuring something soothing. It was comforting and I tried to calm down. But still, I couldn’t.

  “Thank you, sweetie. I had no idea you can sing! This is so sweet of you!” I said, my voice filled with love and admiration. Each day, she impressed me more and more. I felt more and more attached to her with each day that we spent together. It was the first time I had woken up in the middle of the night with her, but I didn’t bother with an explanation anymore. At least I got to know how she reacted when I woke her up. She didn’t disappoint me.

  “I can do many things. You are my muse. For you, I’ve even told stories, but you don’t remember them from the past. Honestly, I don’t remember them either. They just come and go!”

  “Really? Can you please tell me one now?”

  “It’s not like I have them in my pocket, but sometimes the inspiration is on my side. So let me see!” For a moment, there was silence. She thought about the kind of story to tell me. I waited patiently. I didn’t have to wait too long as she began to narrate one.

  “Once upon a time, there was this beautiful princess called Red. She lived in a castle surrounded by a beautiful green lake. She was the most beautiful girl for miles across the county, and she had a good heart. She had a white porcelain face, light brown eyes and long red hair that she wore braided. Her appearance was graceful. She was already at a marriageable age, so her father was in the process of finding her a match. But none of the men she saw caught her interest. She found flaws in each of them. This made her father sad. He loved her too much to force her into marriage with somebody that she didn’t want. Days, weeks, months and years passed. Red couldn’t find a man, young or old that she wanted to marry. In the meantime her father was getting really sick and this made her so sad. The d
octor told her that her father was dying. She knew it would comfort him if he saw her marry before his death. She didn’t know what to do.

  For the first time in years, she ran out of the castle and ran and ran for hours deep into the woods far from the lake. Tears poured down her face, her braid became messy, her dress got dirty and her legs were tired. She had to take a break. It was getting dark and she started to feel afraid. It would be too late to return to the castle and she wasn’t even sure in what direction to go. Fear filled her. With each step she took, she got even more scared. The sound of animals and birds that were preparing to sleep frightened her even more.

  At one point, she saw a dim light. She began to walk towards it, hoping someone would offer her shelter at night. When she got close enough, she saw a cottage that was lit from inside with a candle. She looked through the window to make sure there was no bad witch that was rumored to live in the woods. All she saw was a young naked woman, washing her body with water from a basin beside her. Her attention was diverted by the curves of the woman’s body. Her blond long hair was wonderful. It was the first time she had seen a naked woman’s body beside hers. She had to admit, this one was a masterpiece. She was ashamed of her thoughts and began blushing. The moment she saw the woman turn around with her face to the window, she ducked away so as not to be seen. Too late! From inside, she heard noises and the door opened immediately. She didn’t have time to run, and didn’t have an excuse for why she spied on her. To her surprise, Blonde, as the woman was called, looked at her and warmly invited her inside. She didn’t seem to be angry that Red had spied on her. Later that evening, Blonde told her that when she went out of the door, she was angry at first. But the moment she saw Red standing before her, her heart had melted. Very quickly, Red was relieved that the girl was not mad. She accepted her invitation to enter.