MAGNETIC REVERIE Page 10

  “Oh yes, I did!” I had to come up with more. It was the least fair thing to do. This was probably harder than when I came up with the note. All I did in the past was think about kissing her and forgetting her. “Listen Claire, you are such a sweet person, I really enjoy being in your presence. I enjoy looking at you, seeing your beautiful blue eyes and I love when you soften and show me your tenderness and the emotive side of you. Even if I don’t remember anything from our past, I want to give us a try. If I loved you once, I am sure it can happen again. If what I wrote in that message is true, then it is not something I want to give up so easily.” I surprised myself but I really meant it. I remembered how sad I was for not being able to meet her in my dreams for nine nights in a row, when I thought I might have lost her. Definitely, my answer was true. I ignored the days when I thought it was better that the dream stopped. This wasn’t relevant now.

  “I am so happy to hear that, babe. I really believe is the right thing to do. But I will stay a bit of reserved. If we can’t get back to what we had, I don’t want to feel again that devastating pain I felt when you left me!” I hugged her while she continued talking. “So now that everything is clear, let’s continue our plan to bring back your memories about me. Do you agree? Or even better, let’s create new memories. So as it’s a holiday for you and I am in between jobs, let’s live each day to the fullest. Let’s make it our best summer ever!”

  “Sure, I would really like that!” I was really looking forward to it.

  We spent the next few days visiting places we had enjoyed in our past together. This was what Claire told me. We ate, drank coffee, had ice cream, went around the neighborhood where I used to live, where I studied, the Castle of Ljubljana – the place I always liked no matter how many times I saw it, Tivoli Park, the boat ride on River Ljubljanica. We walked, talked and laughed. I couldn’t take my eyes off her. I enjoyed spending time with her and totally forgot about my husband. This was crazy! I was living in two parallel worlds, one real and the other one was just a dream. I knew this was just a dream but I lived it to the fullest, like there was no tomorrow, or better still, like there was no waking up. It seemed strange that except for David, I didn’t meet anybody I knew. He wasn’t part of my past either. Ljubljana had approximately 300,000 inhabitants, but it had never happened before that I hadn’t met at least one person I knew. Also, I had never met a neighbor on the staircase of Claire’s apartment. Okay, there weren’t many apartments and maybe a majority of them were old and not very active, but this was something strange.

  More proof that this was a dream! A dream that had only two protagonists, Claire and her brother David, apart from me. She had the main role. It was all about her, about her and me, about us, but everything because of her. Everything because of a girl, the girl in my dreams.

  After each regular day spent in my real life, every night I was waiting for the dreams to come again. The past nights I had the dream without interruption. As the dreams were evolving with regular continuation, at the end of the working day I couldn’t actually remember where I was. I knew I was there, but it felt that only my physical body was there as my mind was somewhere else, rolling out again and again the time I spent with Claire in my home town. It felt so real and I was so overtook by her that I was constantly reliving in my real life, moments from my dream.

  One day, Greg was away on a business trip, so this gave me the space to think free about her also when I was at home. It’s not that I was happy that he was away and that I didn’t miss him, just that these days Claire was more intriguing for me, occupying my mind completely. The fact that he was not at home made me feel less guilty. Actually, this was the first night I was spending without him since I came to US. The fact that I was alone in the apartment really suited me.

  But actually the satisfaction brought by having some time on my own wasn’t any far equal to what the dream could bring. So I was impatiently waiting for my sleep time. And this is what my life became. I spent the day without any expectation, as I knew that the dreams will make me feel really alive. I know that people always say that you should live your dreams, so obviously I took it literally. This just brought a naughty smile on my face. The more closer bed time was, more eager I was for the dreams to come. I just enjoyed so much having these dreams. They felt so normal to me. I was so thrilled to have the dream again and really hoped for no interruptions. Especially I didn’t want to make Claire sad anymore. I didn’t want to see her suffer. I couldn’t stand to see her crying again. I was more of a peaceful person and wished for everybody to be happy. And for Claire I simply wished the best. If it was me that she wanted, I felt I could give this somehow, although I wasn’t sure what exactly that meant.

  Morning came and it was time to wake up. As I usually did lately, I looked around to see which bedroom I was in. I know that if I would tell someone what it’s my first morning move or thought after I turn off the alarm eventually, they would laugh. But this was me lately. I loved to go to sleep, loved to wake up, never knew where I will end up. To my disappointment this morning I was still in my bed from reality without dreaming of Claire the previous night. I was so sad. It seemed that the stronger I was thinking of her before sleep, higher the chance I won’t have the dream at all. This made no sense. But maybe I was trying to rationalize too much something that was simply impossible to be called rational. It was a dream, a fantasy, something that my subconscious created, but my conscious couldn’t control.

  I missed Claire more than I missed Greg. This didn’t mean that I didn’t miss Greg at all, but as I was like in some kind of fresh relationship with Claire, I had a stronger need to see her more often. I had no wish to do anything else if I didn’t do it with her. When I had the dream with her it gave me the energy to do the usual stuff in reality. But if I was deprived of it I was not energetic or in the mood to go to work. Actually, this morning I wasn’t even in the mood to stand up from the bed. I didn’t want to go anywhere. All I wanted is to see Claire, spend time with her. I was so looking forward to enjoy as much time as possible with her, with the risk that I might fall in love. Maybe I already started to feel something for her.

  Taking a shower, having the morning coffee, watching the morning sunshine, none of these helped me to get at least bit better. I was so down. I felt like a child without his favorite toy, not knowing when or if he will have again the chance to play with it. So what I decided wasn’t very mature anyway. I called in sick at work and I decided to stay at home. This was really childish of me, but it was very hard to get ready for work and do my job without feeling all this sorrow. It would be noticed and it would influence my work definitely. It’s not that I could tell my boss I do apologize but I am not well and I can’t concentrate as I didn’t dream last night. Ah!

  Greg called me and wished me good morning. I tried to appear to be in a bit of a better mood than I actually was so as not to make him worry. But, he could think that it was because of him having been away. He announced that he should have prolonged his stay for another night. Another day and night without Greg, in the given situation, was better. I was feeling low because of the lack of my dreams. I could barely pretend on the phone that I was okay. Face-to-face, it would have been even harder. If he sensed sadness in my voice, he must have put it down to me missing him. This wasn’t fair but I didn’t care much about fairness now.

  I wanted to see Claire desperately.

  I remembered Arabela just then. She was an old kids’ television series produced in Czechoslovakia that I had watched when I was little. We used to mostly watch films and cartoons from communist countries. If they weren’t made in Yugoslavia (SFRY), then they were mostly from USSR, Czechoslovakia or Hungary. Among many magical things in the series, there was a ring that made any wish come true, and a cape that transported the wearer from one place to another. I was like five or six years old when I watched it but it impressed me so much that it really stayed in my memory. I wished I had the ring to wish myself back with Claire, and that I had t
he cape to transport myself at whim. I suddenly felt stupid for thinking of all this. At twenty-nine, I was busy thinking of magic. Shaking my head, I walked around the apartment, wondering what I could do that would help me through the day to bring back my feet on the ground and not think constantly about Claire. Maybe I had done something wrong. I was thinking too much about her before falling asleep. I was so convinced that I will have the dreams. They say that when you want something really badly, you get it, one way or another. But not in my case – at least it didn’t seem to be so, last night.

  So, I decided to choose a different strategy. I thought of doing something that would help me think less about Claire during the day. I was in the bedroom, arranging the bed when I had these thoughts. I noticed the book my husband was reading. The book was called Doppler. A good book could make me forget about the reality. Usually, I tended to get carried away while reading. I decided to give it a try. I didn’t have too much hope, since after the first few pages, I was still thinking about Claire and not letting myself get caught in the story of the book. But slowly, page after page, I got carried away. The book was written in such a simple yet smart way. It caught my interest very fast. I spent the whole day reading it, taking breaks to cook and eat, and by the end of the day, I prepared to sleep. I couldn’t remember when I had last read a whole book in a day. It wasn’t just because I wanted to think about something else though it started that way. The book was really good. The main character, named Doppler, after the death of his father, quit his job and moved from the house where he lived with his wife and two children, into the woods, where he hung out and talked to a baby elk. There are moments in life when people need an escape from reality, whatever be the reason. For the guy in the book, the woods were the place he felt he needed to run away to. It could be anywhere for anyone – as long as they had the time and place to think in peace, and be by themselves without the influence of the outside world. This made me think. We had to be more daring in life, listen to ourselves and our needs even more. We should break the rules, and not always go by them. But the question that brought a naughty smile to my face was: Can someone decide to leave everything and move to a dreamland? Was it possible? If yes, how can one do it without being called crazy or a coward?

  My dreams were already a fantasy. I saw nothing wrong in getting a bit deeper into them.

  Maybe it helped. Maybe reading that book made my wish come true. When I woke up in Claire’s bedroom, I felt myself smiling. Her bedroom was very familiar by now. Most of the time, I would wake up alone. She was a morning person. She had so much energy that most times, she woke up before I did. In the evenings, I fell asleep before her. She was very active and enjoyed running in Tivoli Park. She did it almost every morning. I stood up and went on with my morning ritual. She came home while I prepared coffee with fruits and croissants for breakfast. She was so beautiful. The moment I saw her face, my morning became even nicer.

  It seemed strange that she wasn’t upset with me being missing for a whole day. Maybe it wasn’t always that when I skipped a dream, I missed a day from her daily life. But I was there, she was happy and now, nothing else mattered. It was stupid of me to find the logic to this. I let myself go with the flow, enjoying what I needed most, which was Claire’s company.

  We savored our breakfast, cracking jokes and having fun. We were relaxed and enjoyed our time together. For one who may watch us from a distance, it could seem like there was nothing special. But it was not like that for us. She was attentive and I felt like she never took her eyes off me. She paid attention to every bite I took and I felt like a little girl. This was who she was: a loving, caring and protective person. The morning tale was interrupted by the phone ringing. At first, she didn’t want to answer. It was as though she didn’t want to spoil our moment, but I insisted and she took it. She went to the bedroom. Sometimes, she could be so shy. I stopped thinking that she could have something to hide. I stood up and made myself more coffee while waiting for her to return. I heard the door slam and saw her enter the living room. She was angry and sad. “What happened?” I asked her with concern.

  “Nothing.”

  “What do you mean nothing? Did you get bad news?”

  “I don’t feel like talking about it!”

  “Claire, I know we aren’t yet in a relationship as we used to have, but as far as I know, we are trying to be good friends at least, enjoying time together, we do things to help bring back my memory and create new ones. So this means also sharing things.”

  “Leave me alone,” she almost yelled.

  This felt strange. I wasn’t used to seeing her this way. She never yelled at me like this before. I didn’t recognize this side of her – but since I didn’t know the kind of news she had gotten, I didn’t want to judge her too much. She was really a tough nut to crack. “Why are you yelling at me? I didn’t do you anything. I just wanted to know what happened! Maybe I can help or at least I can find a way to comfort you. Please Claire, don’t be like this.”

  After a few moments of silence I saw that she was sorry because of the way she reacted, the expression on my face showed anyway that I was offended by her reaction. She finally decided to speak.

  “Well this is me. I don’t like to talk about my problems. I feel like as long as they aren’t spoken of, they hurt less.” This time, she wasn’t yelling, but I could feel that she was controlling her emotions. “I want you to see only the best in me. I want you to believe that I am capable of being the best for you. If you don’t like this side of me, feel free to go, I won’t keep you.”

  I went closer to her, thinking that a hug could help, but she pushed me. This shocked me. Who was this person? I was disappointed and confused so I went to the bathroom, as I felt that my eyes were full of tears. I didn’t expect this to make me cry, but it did. It seemed like I was disappointed that the perfect picture I had of Claire had more shades to it. So, here I was again, frustrated to find out that nothing and no one was perfect. I was so stupid! This was what I had done all my life, searching for perfection and being disappointed the moment it seemed lesser than that. No matter how many times I told myself it was useless to search for perfection as I would never find it, it seemed like I never learned the lesson. I had no idea how much time had passed when I heard her knock on the door and say, “Lana, please come out.”

  I did, although I was afraid to show that I was crying. I didn’t want to explain the reason.

  “Oh babe, why did you cry? Was it because of me? I am so sorry. Please forgive me. I didn’t want to upset you. Come here, please don’t cry anymore. And forget my silly words. I don’t want you to go. Sometimes I say and do stupid things which I immediately regret. But I just can’t control myself when I am like that. Babe, will you forgive me?” She hugged me and tears flowed down my face like crazy. I felt stupid to cry so much over this but it wasn’t something I could control. I don’t know how long we held that hug, but the warmth of her body relaxed me until I finally managed to stop crying. “How could you yell at me? Is it so hard to share things with me?” I asked.

  “I am sorry I yelled at you. I promise I won’t do it again. Okay, babe? I promise!” she said with a forced smile. Her eyes showed her sorrow and I believed she was honest about what she had just said.

  “Okay. Can you please tell me what happened?”

  “Babe, I am happy that you are back with me. But at times I am so sorry that you have this memory loss. It took me so much time to open up to you and now I feel like I am back to the beginning. This is me. I want to appear as a strong person, always in control of things. So when I am like this, just be patient and don’t be so persistent with your questions. Sooner or later I will tell you.”

  “Okay, I guess I can try to have this in mind, but I hope this won’t happen again.” I hugged her again, like I was afraid to lose her and with this also our amazing comforting hugs. We went back to the living room, neither of us were hungry anymore. We cleaned the table.

  She stood by
the window and started telling me that she had received news that the job she had applied for and was likely to get was not going to happen because they were on a budget cut and had to postpone the project. What they told her didn’t matter: they said that if they went through with it next year, she would be the first candidate they would take into consideration. It was bad that didn’t start this fall. Now, she had no dream job, much less a job, even. She felt stupid to have believed them enough to quit her job at the kindergarten school.

  “Hey, your brother told me the other day that everything happens for a reason. So please don’t be sad. I am sure something good will come out of it!”

  “Yes, it can. But until then it will be hard to stay positive and this means that we should live on minimum budget. We can forget about going anywhere on holiday!” She was very sad. At least this time, she wasn’t yelling. Her voice had come back to normal.

  “Claire, please don’t be so negative. You said I had enough money in the bank. Why don’t we check and plan after we see what I have?”

  “No, I don’t want you to spend money on me. I want to take care of you!” She sounded like she wanted to be the one who provided for us in the relationship. But considering that we lived in times where earning was a shared activity, this didn’t make sense.

  “Come on, Claire! You expect me to sit by while you are taking care of everything? That’s not fair. I appreciate your sentiments but I am not doing charity. It is for us. If you are happy, I am happy!”

  “If I accept it, it will only be temporary. I want to be able soon to earn money. One day I will have much more, I am sure of it. Please trust me. Okay?”

  “Okay.”

  The tension was gone, the happy faces were slowly coming back so we started making plans for the day.

  But first we had to go to the bank to see what the balance was in my account. The bank was very close so the suspense didn’t last for long. Claire wasn’t surprised at all when I told her cheerfully that I had almost 10,000 EUR in my savings account. “I told you, I knew you were actively saving money!” Yes, apparently I did and what it mattered the most is that the amount was enough to cover all basic costs for a while and gave us the freedom to plan also other things. So I asked for the money to be transferred to my regular account so I could dispose of it anytime I want and we went away.