MAGNETIC REVERIE Page 3

  Back at work, after going through like thirty emails that had all arrived in my forty-five minutes break, I noticed an email from Greg, telling me that he was excited for our dinner tonight.

  Oh, the dinner!

  I didn’t know how I had totally forgotten about our anniversary. The gift I planned to buy him yesterday hadn’t been bought because of the constant headache that troubled me. I was sure he had something already prepared, and I was convinced that he wouldn’t mind if I didn’t give him anything. But, I wanted to have the perfect gift for my husband since he deserved only the best. I went to my boss and asked for permission to leave earlier. I didn’t mention the real reason as I was convinced that she wouldn’t understand.

  I called a cab and drove up to Crystal City Shops Mall, where I could pick from a range of different choices under one roof. Usually, I used to think and plan thoughtfully in advance. But this time, I didn’t. I was angry at myself. Luckily, I could deal with pressure. My creativity didn’t fail me. In two hours, the gift was bought and nicely packed with a loving card. Soon, I was on my way to the restaurant. I considered myself really lucky to have my husband by my side. He was everything I wanted in a guy. It is true that nothing could be perfect. But, he was as close to perfection as any partner could possibly be. We got along on just about everything. We enjoyed talking to each other. We did all the chores at home together. He was a better cook than I was. But most of the time, he was working longer than I worked. He had no other choice but to be satisfied by my cooking. He didn’t mind giving me privacy when I needed it, but he also knew extremely well to show me how much he enjoyed my company. From the beginning, he gave me the feeling that I was doubtlessly the one he wanted and that I totally fulfilled his needs. I felt pretty much the same, and I felt blessed and lucky that we had found each other. He was born in the US, and lived his entire life here. If he didn’t plan that trip to Ljubljana, the city I lived in, we might have never met.

  But as life wasn’t a fairytale or maybe just because there was no such thing as perfection, there was an issue: but just one. This issue was that he wasn’t ready yet to have children. It also seemed to me, lately, that he had avoided making love as often as we did in the past. Perhaps my persistence in getting pregnant made him want me less. I couldn’t love him any lesser because of that. I knew he loved me and I was still attractive to him. I tried to be patient and hoped that the moment would come soon, as I would be really happy to be a mother. I decided to give him time and not push anything. There are some things in life that we have to learn to accept until the right time comes. There is a time and place for everything. I was aware that I shouldn’t rush into anything. He was so caring. I was sure that he would make a good father – as good as he already was a good husband. Still, I didn’t want to force it. Perhaps we would have kids when he and I would both wish for it. This definitely wasn’t something to spoil my desire for perfection, and not at all a reason to doubt his love. We were still very young, I was only twenty-nine and he was just thirty-one. Nowadays, people get married and have children later than when married couples used to in the past. We still had plenty of time.

  Anyhow, for the time being, I decided on suppressing my wish for children, and tried to pass over a less active intimate life. I decided I would not let it affect my life, my marriage and my inner peace.

  I took another cab towards the center. On the way into the restaurant, I checked myself in the mirror, correcting my make-up. But all the rush for the gift brought a nice reddish color onto my cheeks. No need for me to use a blusher and despite the fact that only yesterday, I had an awful headache and had a strange dream, my eyes seemed rested.

  I entered ‘Verde’, our favorite Italian restaurant, where we usually went on special occasions. The interior design of this place was wonderful, though the chairs were not the most comfortable, but we didn’t care as the great cooking and good service was what counted most for us. The menu was interesting. The food was always tasty. It was located on the 14th Street in a corner, and it got plenty of sunshine. When I got into the place, it was packed. I couldn’t spot Greg. Then, I remembered I had to go to the upper floor. There he was, sitting at a table, smiling broadly when he saw me. There were many things that we just enjoyed doing together and we were alike at many of them. Although he had also come directly from work, he looked very fresh. He stood up, hugged me, kissed me and told me that I looked beautiful. This wasn’t a compliment for the anniversary. It was actually something that he used to do very often. No matter how many times he said it, it always felt honest and nice to hear. Sometimes, I asked myself what I did to deserve a guy like him.

  One of the owners, Antonio, came by to make sure we were alright and wished us a great evening. After that, the waiter poured the drink in our glasses, and we followed it with a toast.

  “To many happy years together!” We kissed and smiled nicely at each other.

  As usual, the service was excellent. The food didn’t disappoint us one bit. We started out with an appetizer. I had the smoked tuna and Greg had the onion with cheese and crostini. Both were exceptionally good. We followed it by splitting a portion of pasta with prawns. The place isn’t very intimate, but the music was at a decent volume. We could talk without shouting, which was a good thing for us as we used to have very long and interesting conversations over our meals. Surprisingly this time, we decided not to have desert, maybe because we were both thrilled to give each other gifts and go home and continue the evening, just the two of us, in the privacy of our apartment. I knew I missed that. It was over two weeks since we had made love.

  Greg asked for the bill. While we waited, we gave each other our gifts.

  Both gifts were in small boxes. I was really surprised. I was very curious but I asked him to open his first. He opened it with calm and meticulous efforts. When he saw the box, he said: “Oh, this must be a watch!” But after he opened it, he saw the golden necklace that I had bought him. For a moment, I thought he didn’t like it. But the very next minute, he expressed his happiness. He really liked it! Thank God! I opened my gift, and inside, I saw a voucher from a travel agency for a destination of my choice! I was so happy. I love traveling and it was one of my favorite hobbies. This was a really nice gift.

  “That’s great, honey. Thank you!” We kissed again. He touched my hand gently and I could feel shivers going down my spine. “This voucher is big enough to cover the cost for two people. So if you want to come with me, you should behave really nicely!” I smiled at him.

  “You can choose anyone you want to go with. It doesn’t have to be me!” He smiled back. Yes, the smile that I loved so much. “But I am sure that I have greater chances than anyone else does!”

  We went home and jumped on the bed with our clothes on, like newly bonded couples do. I so missed this!

  Yes it was a cliché. But no matter how things are, on anniversary night, it is expected that we would make love, so I was already excited. We kissed passionately when I suddenly felt dizzy that made me sick to my stomach. It was probably from the drink, although I had only two glasses. I wanted to, but I couldn’t go on. I wanted him. He understood the situation and didn’t seem too upset. He began to take care of me, helped me change my clothes, remove my make-up and then finally tucked me into bed. He kissed me on my forehead and told me to relax and that the sleep would help me.

  I was sick but I felt sorry that the night didn’t end up in our ideal, classical, romantic way. He turned off the lights and went out of the bedroom, but came a few times to check on me. He was so sweet! He deserved a different version of this night. But I decided that I would make it up to him the next day – I wanted to, anyway. Now I just hoped that sleep would help me get rid of this sick feeling.

  Chapter 3

  CLAIRE

  I was yours and you were mine, I know love can make you blind, but I didn’t know you can just forget about it.

  Something must have woken me up as it was still dark outside and I hadn’t heard
the alarm. I looked at my watch. It was 6:06 AM, too early to wake up. I tried to fall asleep again. But, despite the darkness, something seemed wrong. I looked around and realized that I wasn’t in my bedroom, I might have been back in my dream. “That’s funny!” I told myself.

  I turned on the light and noticed that I was alone in bed. Waking up for the second time in the bedroom that was not my own, confused me. I couldn’t sleep anymore. I stood up and headed to the bathroom. While taking a shower, I heard somebody walking into the apartment. I stopped the water, as I didn’t know whom I had to expect at this time. I heard the same voice from the previous night, speaking to me outside the bathroom door: “Lana are you there?”

  “Yes. I am in the shower!”

  Without asking for permission, she entered. I couldn’t be upset as I had done the same thing the previous time. Being a dream, it didn’t matter that manners were not respected. I had a continuation of my dream, or at least something related to the same place and person as the night before. How strange!

  “It surprises me how early you’ve woken up, considering you went to sleep very late! You weren’t here when I turned off the light around midnight.” I didn’t have an answer, so I stood quietly. She continued talking. “Where were you yesterday? I thought we agreed to go to the movies after work!” I looked at her, trying to think of an answer as she was waiting for one.

  “I am sorry!” This was all I could come up with. She was still staring at me, obviously my apology wasn’t good enough.

  “Look, you made it very clear that you want us to take a break to figure it out what we want in our lives, but I thought we agreed to stay friends!” Her words shocked me. I dropped the shower gel but didn’t dare to move to pick it up. I stood still. We had agreed to take a break? Did this mean that we were together before? Like a couple? Oh my! My dream was becoming more and more shocking, but interesting. I decided to play along.

  “Sorry dear, yes of course I want us to be friends. We are still living together, right?”

  “Yes we are, but you said that only until you manage to find something else. I didn’t take this as a sign of friendship!”

  I took a long look at her. She was very good looking, slim, not too curvy but nicely built. She was a bit taller than me, and had short blond hair with side-swept bangs, beautiful big blue eyes and nice, full lips. Just after a quick look, I could say that she really was pretty. Anyone would find her attractive. I tried to be less preoccupied with her looks, as I thought it would be better to find out what her name was, first.

  “Listen babe, last morning, when you started with the ‘who-are-you?’ game, it gave me hope. I admit this was probably a very wrong thing from my side. You know we used to play that in our intimate moments. But when I couldn’t reach you all day, I lost it again. You know that I would take you back any time. You are the one for me. I know it. I knew it from the beginning. But please, do not play with my feelings. Don’t give me wrong signals if you aren’t sure. On second thought, I do believe that it will be good for us if you leave. Otherwise, it is too painful to see you every day, knowing that you aren’t mine and that I can’t have you anymore.”

  Her eyes were full of tears. At first glance, she seemed strong and determined. But in that moment, she appeared fragile and I felt so sad for her. I didn’t care that I hadn’t showered properly and that the water was getting dry on my skin. I grabbed a towel and wrapped it around myself and moved towards her.

  She looked at me with sad blue eyes, most probably not sure what my next move would be.

  I hugged her.

  I didn’t know this girl, but she seemed to suffer so much and I couldn’t stand there and do nothing. While in my arms, she started to cry, more and more intensely. I could feel her body shaking. I took a tissue and wiped her tears. She was really cute, and no matter how strange it seemed, it wasn’t so hard to like someone like her, forgetting for a moment that I was heterosexual. I kissed her on the cheek and whispered to her to calm down, telling her that everything was going to be all right.

  “I must be honest with you. I don’t know who you are. Really, I am not playing a game. You are part of my dream, I saw you yesterday for the first time. You seem to know my name, obviously you know things about me, but it isn’t possible, as I should know you the same way if you say that we were in a relationship. I don’t know your name, I don’t know where we live, I have no clue about anything, I don’t know what this is, whether I have a job or things related to my life here with you. You are part of my dream for the second night in a row!” There. I said it! Yes! I said it and it all just came out of me no matter how strange it seemed. I was convinced that it was a dream but my rational and logical parts were functioning well. I acted like I would in real life if something like this would ever happen to me. But no, there was no way that something similar would ever happen to me. I was heterosexual, and would always be.

  She stopped crying and looked at me curiously with her big eyes. She seemed shocked, maybe even more shocked than I was. “What do you mean you don’t know who I am? Lana, did anything happen to you? Did you fall? Did you have some kind of accident? I know people can have different kinds of head injuries that can cause temporary or permanent amnesia. Have you seen a doctor? Oh, now I know, last afternoon, you went to the clinic, right? That’s why I couldn’t find you!”

  “I didn’t go to the doctor last afternoon, as there was no need for it. This was and is just a dream. Do you understand?”

  “But you should see a doctor!” she insisted.

  She started touching my head, making sure everything was in place. She couldn’t find anything that could indicate any injury. First, she checked roughly and then started intensely seriously touching every inch of my head. When she couldn’t find anything suspicious, she smiled with relief.

  “Oh, I know what you are doing! I almost fell for it. You are playing a prank on me again. It wouldn’t be the first time, anyway. No, no, young lady, you aren’t going to get out of this so easily. Whatever reason you had yesterday, you are going to explain it to me today. After work, I will pick you up and then, let yourself surprised!”

  She was so cheerful that it seemed like she was brought back to life. Her sadness seemed to have vanished. That was a nice feeling, seeing her smile and play with words. She seemed even more beautiful this way.

  “And in case you really forgot, my name is still Claire. I am still in love with you! But don’t worry, I will not make any moves on you and I will not put any pressure. It’s not easy, but I believe I can control myself and I don’t expect you to be any more than a friend to me.”

  “Claire, what a nice name!” I said, and felt relieved that I finally know her name.

  “You should be an actress, you know? If I didn’t know you, I would be convinced that you really didn’t know my name before. So instead of going to the hospital, why don’t you stop by the national theater today and ask them if they need help?”

  “Claire, I am not acting, I am really being honest with you!” I must have been convincing, that made her come closer to me. She kissed me on my lips!

  Oh my! It was really strange to feel her lips touching mine. I pushed her back, but the feeling wasn’t unpleasant, not at all.

  “Lana, something is really wrong. The touch is the same, but you really seem to act like the two of us have never kissed before. Are you sure that nothing happened to you lately? Something, anything that could explain the memory loss?”

  “I am sorry, Claire, but I am really telling you the truth. You are part of my dream. In my real life, I am married, I have a wonderful husband, a nice career and I never had any experience or wish to be with a girl. You are really attractive I must admit. I am sure anyone would be glad to have you. So let’s not bother anymore with what is going on. Soon, I will wake up and you will go away.” It felt really strange saying that, but it was somehow a nice try to explain to her and myself what the reality really was.

  “Well, I hope you don’t e
xpect me to believe what you say. You keep talking about some stupid dream. Wake up to reality! If it happened that you woke up and had a bad conscience about being with a woman and you are trying to deny it or pretend like it never existed, nice try. A bit too late, though, bearing in mind that we were together for quite a long time! But don’t give me this crap, please. We’ve known each other for over three years. I understand that you decided not to be with me anymore. Not me or any other woman. But don’t hurt me even more by showing that you want to forget everything related to us. We had our ups and downs, but we had really great moments most of the time. I believed that love like ours is one of a kind. You know, that kind of love that you just read about or see in movies? No man will ever be capable of loving you the way a woman does! Nobody did or will ever love you the way I do, I am sure!” The more she spoke, the higher her voice rose. By the end of it, she left the bathroom and slammed the door behind her.

  I was the one that was shocked, this time. Maybe it wasn’t a dream, after all. Claire really seemed to know me and I began to be confused again. I didn’t know what the explanation was. I decided to follow her. I found her in the bedroom. She was changing her clothes very angrily, almost not looking at me. “What?” she yelled at me when it was obvious that she had seen me.

  “I am sorry, Claire, I really am!” I said, in a really humble way. But my apology didn’t soften her so I continued talking. “Probably something really did happen to me. I don’t remember anything. All I remember is that I have a completely different life in which I have a job as a Sales Analyst, I have a husband, his name is Greg, we are married for three years and we live in Washington DC. Yesterday was our wedding anniversary. I have never had a relationship with a woman. I don’t recall seeing you until last morning. I was born in Ljubljana, Slovenia – a small country from Europe, in case you never heard of it – and my parents still live there, except for the times when they visit my sister. I met my husband when he visited Slovenia, and after a while, I decided to move to the US. Soon after my arrival, we got married. Things went along with their normal course in life, I managed to get a job, so I have a settled life there. This here with you, seems like just a dream!” I looked at my hand to show her the wedding ring, but it wasn’t there. Strange, really strange! I never took it off!