MAGNETIC REVERIE Page 19

  “We met each other at the fitness studio and we became good friends in time.” Alex just nodded confirming what David just said.

  “So what are you doing Alex?” Claire continued asking. It was normal that she was more curious than me, she was his sister anyway.

  “I am a masseur and fitness instructor and I was the personal trainer for David and like this we started to be really good friends.”

  “But he is so cheap that he doesn’t want to give me any discount,” David said and they started laughing. Alex put his arm around his shoulders and said, “Come on man, you know that I can’t do it, it is not my company, but I would suggest you don’t forget the free massages you are receiving from me lately. I don’t want the girls to think that I am not a good friend.”

  David didn’t seem to be bothered by Alex’s arm. It could have been just a friendly gesture but it could have also meant something more. I really wanted to know but didn’t dare to ask. “True, he is the best masseur I have ever had. His hands are magical! Girls, I really recommend him to you.”

  “I am sorry, but my clients are men. You are both so slim that I am afraid I can break you!” The guys burst out laughing. I didn’t know if we didn’t get the humor or we were trying to figure out either they were in a relationship or they were just good friends. I was a bit disappointed that David didn’t tell Claire in advance that he was going to bring Alex, and about the nature of their relationship. We needn’t have had to wonder about it all evening!

  “We are stronger than we look!” I dared to say.

  “How was the holiday?” David asked. Was he trying to change the subject?

  We talked for over an hour about our holiday, of course, skipping everything that could reveal that the two of us were a couple. Certainly, David knew about us but we weren’t sure yet if or when we should reveal this to Alex. Without those moments, it seemed like a normal holiday. We saw interesting things, ate good food, swam in clear crystal blue sea and returned home. David had never been to that part of Croatia, but Alex had. He was actually from Split, a city that was about an hour’s drive to the south of Šibenik. He was very proud to hear about how much we had enjoyed the area. He was disappointed that we didn’t go to Split, but in that moment, it occurred to us that we hadn’t even thought about it. Time had passed so fast, and if we hadn’t planned deliberately to visit Šibenik on the last two days, we would have missed it too. If we’d spent lesser time in bed, there might have been more time to visit other places. But, I wouldn’t do it differently if I could turn back time.

  “I have a proposal. In September this year, or the next time you plan a vacation, let’s do this together. The four of us could stay in Split. I can be your local guide free of charge!” Alex said and smiled at David, waiting for his answer. David smiled. We smiled at them, too.

  We talked and laughed and all this time we didn’t even noticed when we already emptied three bottles of Cabernet Sauvignon, the same wine after which Claire and I first kissed.

  Alex had to use the toilet. We were left alone with David. “You two are glowing! What love does to people is amazing!” He said it the moment Alex closed the bathroom door. “Yes, love is such a wonderful feeling,” said Claire and kissed me. It surprised me a bit but David’s presence was so comforting and I didn’t have a problem that he saw us kiss. He smiled at us and we smiled back. The next moment, Claire asked what I wanted to know all evening. “David, are you two together?”

  He continued smiling and didn’t answer immediately. He seemed to enjoy postponing the answer.

  “Come on, brother! Tell me! Or I will spank you in front of everybody!” I didn’t expect this from Claire and it made me laugh.

  “I don’t know what to say!” Alex was on his way back. David smiled at Claire, stood up as an excuse to use the toilet as well, and met Alex halfway. The moment they passed by each other, it seemed like they touched hands. It didn’t seem to be an accident. It was a gentle touch, barely noticeable. Okay, maybe I was imagining it. Maybe they just liked each other.

  Claire was quiet, so I offered to serve the ice cream in an attempt to break the silence. I didn’t want Alex to think that we were talking about him during his absence. Alex offered to help with the ice cream so he stood up and came next to me by the island helping me with the little bowls and spoons. As the space was quite small, we happened to touch from time to time, especially the moment when I threw the packaging container to the garbage that made me use a bit more space from the kitchen and in that exact moment a spoon fell of his hand and he went down to pick it up. It was exactly when David had returned from the bathroom.

  “I see you two are already getting closer, literally.” I couldn’t help to notice bit of sarcasm in his voice. Claire could have it also sometimes. I looked at her and I saw she had a serious face. It could be still about David not answering her question about Alex as I hoped it wasn’t jealousy. Actually it was David that seemed jealous. So he really liked Alex.

  “This is just the beginning David. If we want to spend holiday together, we have to be close friends, right? Of course not as close as I want to be with you!” Alex smiled and went directly to David, with one hand grabbed the back of his head and kissed him.

  Another spoon fell on the floor. This time, I was the guilty one. I was shocked on seeing the two of them kiss. Yes, I wondered if they were together but didn’t expect to see them kiss. David seemed surprised as well. It could have been their first kiss. If this was true, then for sure, the wine could be guilty for that. The idea seemed funny to me. I looked at Claire and she seemed as shocked, but she lost the serious expression. That kiss answered the question that was bothering her. It removed all reason for jealousy, if any. They really did make a cute couple. At first glance, they didn’t seem to make gestures that gave away their relationship or that they were gay, but it seemed like they fit well together. I was already for some time now realizing that it was wrong of me to be prejudiced, and it was time to consciously put an end to this.

  The lovers returned to the table. In the beginning, there was only silence. It wasn’t unpleasant, just that none of us seemed to want to comment on what had just happened. With smiles on all our faces we began by commenting on the ice cream. Slowly, things returned to normal and we enjoyed the evening. The magic of their kiss was still in the air and it felt good. It was really cute to see David and Alex look at each other. It was really charming.

  Claire considered that even if they were a couple, it wasn’t appropriate to open the discussion about the donor. I agreed with her. Of course, this was something we discussed after they left. We didn’t know anything about how serious their relationship was. This was a sensitive thing, anyway. Maybe David would want to go for it, without telling Alex about it. Maybe he was just a fling – either way, it was for David to decide who to tell and who not to. We would ask him at the right time.

  David and Alex left around midnight. It was just the two of us again. In their presence, we didn’t feel exactly comfortable being intimate. But, I was longing to touch her naked body and feel her next to me. Despite the fact that we had made love all day, I was amazed by this constant desire I had for her. The more I had her, the more I wanted. She became fundamental to me. I headed for a shower, but Claire stopped me. She was firm and it was clear that I had to stay there. She put on some music and began dancing sensually. It felt really nice. Our bodies moved gracefully to the rhythm of the music. We had our hands around each other’s waists, and danced for a while. I moved my hands towards the back of her head, because I wanted so much to kiss her lips. But, she pushed me away.

  “Dance for me, I want to watch you!” It sounded more like an order.

  At first, it felt strange, but the moment I started to make my moves, she looked at me, encouraging. Her eyes were sparkling with enjoyment. She sat on the sofa, and never took her eyes off me. I continued to dance by myself. In the beginning, I was a bit shy. But the more I got into it, with the help of all the wine I had
before, I lost all shyness. I started to enjoy it and let myself go. The more sensually I moved, the more she expressed her excitement. The next song was rhythmic and sexual at the same time and I started to be more teasing and direct in my moves. I couldn’t believe myself when I started to remove my shirt, standing only in my bra and short skirt. She seemed to explode out of her desire for me. She didn’t expect this and I didn’t plan it. I got even more courage and turned around, moving left and right, up and down, and slowly, took off my bra. The moment I let the bra fall, I felt her hands cupping my breasts from behind. “You are such a sweetheart, my sexy sweetheart!” she whispered to me. Her body moving behind me felt so good. I let myself enjoy the moment, filled with sexual vibration. Her hands were touching my breasts and I wanted her so badly. Her kisses felt hot on my neck and behind my ear. I wanted to turn around, but she wouldn’t let me. “Don’t turn around. Stay like this!” I felt the lust in her voice. “Don’t stop!” That was all I could say as it felt amazingly good.

  It seemed like we had forgotten that this was what we were doing practically the last two days. But we wanted it again and again, and we couldn’t be blamed for it. It wasn’t like I had to rush home or anything….

  I felt so alive in my dream. This dream was my life!

  Something woke me up in the middle of the night: perhaps it was a sound or a bad dream, I couldn’t tell for sure. Going through everything that had happened that day, especially all the intimate moments with the great peak before going to bed made me feel good. I bit my lower lip, thinking about the sensuality in those moments.

  But then again, another thought passed through my mind. I remembered the phone. Maybe Greg had answered and the sound was from the phone! I stood up to check. Yes, I had received a text message. I hesitated for a while before I opened it, since I was afraid. “Is this some kind of joke?”

  I didn’t know what to think. I wasn’t sure if it was Greg’s number. I decided to leave it and not respond. Maybe in my dreams, I didn’t even exist in his life. Anyhow, it was useless to think about it. I had no certainty as regards the logic backing my theories. The truth was that I was trapped in the moment and enjoyed everything I did with Claire, including planning our future together, forgetting that I had another life waiting for me when I woke up. I tried to ignore the thought, although whenever it was, felt like a cold shower. The more I gave myself to the reality of the dream, bits and pieces from my actual reality brought remorse and sorrow in me. I missed Greg but I felt guilt. I wondered if he missed me and what he thought of me disappearing. What could I possible tell him? Thousands of questions came to mind.

  Yes, I had a bad conscience about everything that was happening, because I was enjoying it so much. It wasn’t right because of Greg. I didn’t care as much about the rest of the aspects in my real life. It was now the first time in days that I remembered my job, my family and friends. It’s not like I didn’t care about my family but they actually didn’t know me well. I know that they loved me, but I never felt accepted by them. Maybe because I was the youngest child… Spoiled, yes, but I didn’t achieve what they had planned for me. They didn’t like the fact that I moved to the US much, and being so far away from them. They saw it as me running away from them, so my marriage with Greg was seen as an act of rebellion. I wouldn’t call this a childhood trauma. I always thought I could take care of myself. But it made me drift away from them. So, there was no way I could share this with them. I wasn’t sure how they would react and if they would at least try to understand. I missed Erica, though. I could talk to her about anything and everything. I knew she wouldn’t be judgmental. I had told her that the dreams had stopped and I had no idea why I had done that. But I needed her terribly now. My heart was split between Claire and Greg. It wasn’t fair that I had to choose. I remembered the message. This could be actually Greg’s comment when he found out everything: “Is this some kind of joke?” in an authoritative voice and with a serious expression on his face that made me feel more like a little girl, not like his wife.

  Anyway, it wasn’t fair to any of them that I was in love with the other person, although I didn’t love either any less than the other. Lately, it was clear to me that one could feel true love for two people at the same time. Most probably for me, if they weren’t of different gender, and if one wasn’t in my dreams, it would be less possible. I felt that my heart was big enough to love both of them equally. I was selfish enough not to let either go. However, it felt like my heart had enough space to nurture love for both, but I could give myself intimately only to one. Being intimate with Claire, especially bearing in mind how much I enjoyed it made me feel that I couldn’t give myself to Greg anymore. It made me feel that my body was deemed to be despicable if she touched it, and the other way around. How could such pure love and making love to someone I fell for so badly, make me feel dirty? Was I a bad person? Was I in a dangerous game of hunting two rabbits, only to be left alone in the end? I wish there was a way for a clean break up!

  What the hell was I thinking? This woman had all these feelings for me and had spent a lot of mental, physical and emotional energy trying to bring my memory back. All this was planned to bring me back. She didn’t bring back my memory. Only I knew there was nothing to be brought back. She simply made me love her like I had never loved anyone before. How could anyone not love her? With the mix of emotions and strength, I was sure that Claire was able to love and protect me all the time. I also knew that I was becoming dependent on her. She had everything I looked for in a person. She was also perhaps the best thing I would lose if I stopped dreaming. Life wasn’t fair.

  My heart was full of love, pain and guilt at the same time. Leaving her was the hardest thing to do. I couldn’t continue like this. I had to do something. No matter how painful it would be, something had to change. Whatever I was going to do, somebody was bound to suffer. I felt tears in my eyes. My body started shaking and tears poured down my face. I felt their salty taste and I was miserable. I didn’t have the courage to tell Claire directly, looking into her eyes while telling her that I was leaving. For her, it would be the second time. I had the option of disappearing without telling her anything. I could have left her a note. Exactly. I couldn’t control my dream, a note would be the best option. I knew I would suffer if I continued to have these dreams after she read the note but I had to do something, as painful as it had to be.

  “My dear Claire,

  I know that at the point, when you finish reading my letter, you won’t believe anything that I say. I really love you. I wish things could turn out to be different. I wish our fairytale would never end. I wish I never made you suffer. I caused you pain so many times and I am now leaving you for good after such a great holiday, discussing, planning and agreeing over things for our future together with a baby of our own. I know this is a terrible thing I am doing to you now. I want you to know that it is not because of the child. I really meant everything I told you. I never lied to you. Please believe me. It’s the hardest thing that I have done in life. But I had to do it. I had to leave you – but it is because of me. I can’t live two lives anymore. During the night, I am with you. During the day, I am with my husband. I know it’s painful for you to hear it and hard for you to understand. I don’t expect you to, either. It took me some time to accept it, as well. The time I spent with you was the best time I have ever had. But I don’t have peace knowing that I have somebody else waiting for me when I wake up. I had to choose, and I chose reality. I want you to follow your dreams without me. I didn’t have the courage to face you and tell you all this. I hurt you enough and I know that you will hate me. I know that of all days, you expected this the least today.

  I will go now. I hope you never hear from me again. I know that I should go. But, I don’t feel like going. There is no balance in my real life, especially now that I have found a balance in my dreams with you. There are many things that connect us. This makes it harder. Please, don’t worry about me.

  As I can�
�t control my dreams, I might still come back. But if you see me tomorrow, don’t talk to me, don’t take me back. Instead, pretend that you don’t know me. Let me fade away on the streets, where I will be waiting in vain for you. Please be strong for both of us. I know I can’t. With time, eventually I will stop dreaming. But you shouldn’t!

  Love you forever,

  Lana.”

  I knew that one couldn’t build happiness on another one’s misery. This wasn’t at all about being happy. It was about doing the right thing and bringing things back to normal. This was how I was raised, to always do the right thing. Things wouldn’t be like they were before. I was never going to be able to erase Claire from my mind and heart. Maybe with time, I would think lesser about her, and be able to bury memories of her deep within me.

  I put the note on the pillow next to Claire. She was sleeping peacefully. She was so beautiful in the dim light and looked like an angel. How could I make her suffer again? I felt like screaming in despair. I stopped looking at her, as deep down, I felt that if I continued even for a second longer, I wouldn’t go through with this. I knew that everything would come crashing down. But I had to do it anyway.

  Then, I looked up and saw a light, a really strong one. I could barely keep my eyes open. Due to all the tears, my eyes were very sensitive and the light was too strong. It was nothing like I had experienced before. I smiled shyly for a moment, thinking of it as a sign. This was probably what they spoke about, when they mentioned the light at the end of the tunnel. What did that mean? Choosing to leave Claire was the best decision? Or keeping her?

  Either way, I didn’t have any control.

  I was helpless.

  But the light forced me to open my eyes. Somehow, I would find a way. There was always a solution for everything.

  Good or bad, I didn’t know, and couldn’t know for certain right away.