MAGNETIC REVERIE Page 17
At one point, a gypsy approached our table and asked if we wanted to know about our future. It was the kind of fortune teller that I had seen only in movies or read about. Claire immediately refused. I didn’t know if she didn’t believe in it or if she just wasn’t in the mood. But I was curious. I wanted to do it for the fun of it. The woman was beautiful and exotic. Dressed in a gorgeous blue white halter dress with sequins, she wore a scarf lined with golden coins. She seemed surreal. She took my hand gently, and looked at the lines on the palm. She looked from me to Claire, and told me, “My dear. You will live a long life. You are full of energy. You are a wonderful person, intelligent, smart, with a good heart and a great sense of humor. But this will also stop you in life as long as you don’t have the courage to take chances and make tough decisions when situations demand it. Life has been good to you so far. You don’t know what real suffering means. I wish it will stay this way. Be careful as you are now in the middle of making an important decision. Be brave and listen to your heart!” She paused and looked at Claire and then at me.
We listened carefully to everything she said. I knew exactly what she meant. Well, at least I knew what kind of decision was waiting for me to make. She looked at Claire again and continued talking. “You will have love from two large sources in life, and you are really lucky. Many people don’t get the chance to have even one. But the problem is that both will take place at the same time. Your heart is big enough to love two, but your mind is restless to choose one. You need to find peace of mind in your heart. Follow your heart, and don’t let your mind stop you. You will have a beautiful child: which is the only thing that is missing in making your life perfect. All your life, you long for perfection. Live, love and be brave!” she smiled kindly, let go of my hand, took the money and walked away.
I was shocked by her words. I was not paying attention to what was happening around me. Normally, I never took fortune telling seriously, but she had given me a reading that totally described me, especially when it came to loving two people at the same time and the strong desire for a child. Claire looked at me, without saying anything. I was the one she considered naïve. Maybe she didn’t believe a single thing that the gypsy said. But that fact that she wasn’t saying anything bothered me.
“I am sure she has a few stories that she is telling people. Anything to earn some money!” I said, trying to make light of what she had mentioned.
“Normally, I wouldn’t believe her either, but there was something in the way she talked and looked at you when she said everything. She seemed convincing. When she looked at me while talking about love and your decision, I think she described you perfectly, except for two things.”
“What two things?” I asked. I wanted to buy time. To me, it seemed like there was only one thing that could confuse Claire. It was related to loving two people at the same time. She couldn’t know about it.
“First, that you will have love from two large sources at the same time. If what you feel for me is one, whom else do you love besides me? You know I can’t bear anyone else touching you. I cannot bear knowing that I share your heart with someone else. Yes, you have a big heart but I want your heart to want and love me alone!”
“I love you, sweetie. You are my love. Don’t mind what the gypsy said. I am sorry she left so suddenly. I wanted to ask her a few questions,” I said, in an attempt to avoid a bigger lie.
“Yes, it could be that she made this up. It will be easier for me to think that. Otherwise, I may go crazy.” She had raised her voice, so I tried to cool her down, looking around to see if people had heard us. She didn’t seem to care.
“The second thing that hurts me as much – and it surprises me that you are not telling me this if it’s true – is your great desire of having a child. Is this true?”
“I don’t understand why this is bothering you! Yes, I want a child! I really do!” I stopped for a moment, remembering the discussions I had had with Greg, and how I had decided to be patient as he thought we had to wait. The wish was always in me, though. I really did want to have a child.
“I can’t believe what a hypocrite you are! You dare tell me this directly to my face!” She was very pissed off. In the meantime, other guests arrived at the restaurant and for sure, now everybody could hear her. But what surprised me most was that I couldn’t understand why she thought I was a hypocrite. It was natural for one to want a child.
“Calm down, Claire. Why on earth are you getting so angry because of this? We have never talked about this, but I do want to have children. I want one right now!” I said calmly, hoping that my tone would calm her, too. “I paid the gypsy for the fun of it! I didn’t want to create an unpleasant situation. Why would we believe anything she told me? We have never talked about children! At least not since this new beginning, you know I can’t remember if we’ve ever spoken about it in the past!” I was confused and angry. I stopped because my voice was beginning to tremble. “Remember what you said yesterday about not bringing in contributions to humanity, you mentioned having children! Will having a child make you feel you’ve done something to contribute? Maybe the child will be able to do something more meaningful, more relevant?”
Claire stood quietly, looking in the distance for long. She didn’t answer my question. I admit that I hadn’t even thought of what to say when she mentioned children. But if I didn’t respond, it didn’t mean that I didn’t want children. I wish I had known what she was thinking about. I didn’t want to force her to tell me, though. If we were not in a public place I would have hugged her and we might have probably passed over this sooner, without pain. I saw the torment in her but her eyes shone in a fierce blue, with determination reflected in them. I was a bit afraid. I paid the bill and suggested that we move to the car so we wouldn’t continue our scene in public. She agreed and followed me without a word. She seemed like she was made of stone. I wasn’t used to seeing her this way. I wasn’t aware how she could be like this. Yes, I saw her remain silent. But I had never seen her so caught in silence from a combination of anger, sorrow and disappointment. This was what I could read from her face. When we reached the car park, her silence was too hard to bear.
“Will you please tell me what’s going on? What did I say that was so bad that it made you act like this?”
“Lana. You really don’t remember? I forgot for a while that you don’t remember our past. This was also why I never told you the real motive for why we separated. This was the time in life that I had suffered so much and I didn’t want to mention it. The wish for a child was and it is still alive in me. It is a strong desire, but the desire to have you is even stronger. I decided that if I had to give up on my desire for a child to have you, it didn’t matter, I would compromise. So now you know why I am surprised that you actually want a child all of a sudden. I understand the memory loss. But you say that the wish to have a child has been in you for as long as you can remember! This really hurt me and I am really confused.”
“Honey, I am sorry that you have hard memories. But I really don’t remember anything aside of these past few weeks. I know for sure that I want to have a child, and what is great is that you want too. But are you telling me that we broke up because you wanted a child and I didn’t? Was I that bad in the past?” I asked, hoping there was some other explanation as I considered that even in the imaginary past, I couldn’t have been this superficial. So far, it turned out that everything she had known about me was true. Could this be the only thing that was different?
“Being together for almost three years in this wonderful relationship, I was sure you were the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Bearing in mind that I grew up without parents, I have been working with children until recently. I want so much to have one of my own, to be able to offer a child the best childhood ever, somehow to fill the gap that existed in my childhood. But you were constantly against it. You thought people would ask too many questions and that it would be hard to explain to your family, that we would face pr
oblems raising a child as a gay couple. This wish in me was so big that we broke up. You didn’t give me a reason, but it seemed that this need to have a child was the reason.”
“I am sorry, sugar. I believe that I still have the same questions on raising a child as a gay couple, but I am sure I didn’t leave you because of that. I really don’t remember any of this, so I don’t remember why I left you. But I want you to know that I am not superficial and that when I love somebody, I am willing to accept, support, understand and compromise by all means!”
“Are you? Are you? So this means that having a child of our own is an option you are ready to consider? Oh babe! How could I think so low of you? I am sorry I reacted the way I did. Will you forgive me?” she asked, looking at me with happy but sad eyes, with a childish expression. She was so sweet. I couldn’t control myself, so I kissed her, strong and long. I didn’t care who was around that could see us. I just didn’t care. There are certain points in time when you feel free while expressing your emotions, not worrying about where we are or what others think of. All I cared was about Claire and her happiness. It felt right to be with her. I never had this deep desire to make someone happy before. Maybe it was because she was so innocent and happy like a child each time something like this happened. She had an uncorrupted heart, such a rare thing in the world nowadays. Her heart wanted me. She was mine. I felt powerful, being in control of her happiness, but at the same time, I realized that it could be a burden too. I was now in a good mood, so I only thought of good things. It was not an ego thing. It was the fulfillment, the satisfaction I felt when I knew that I had the power to make someone happy. We hugged next to the car, holding on a bit longer.
“We will talk about it, honey. I am sure there are ways. It is important to stay optimistic and to search for them. Let’s get in the car and go back to Ljubljana!” It got dark, and we couldn’t see much of the scenery. I told her we could head home on the highway, to reach sooner. She agreed. I was calm now as we were fine, happy and smiling, driving and singing. She was still the one driving. Her right hand was on mine for the most part. I felt her love and her lust, as well, through this touch. I felt so blessed.
Chapter 9
THE CHILD
“Hold fast to dreams,
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird,
That cannot fly.” ― Langston Hughes
The morning we returned from our holiday I woke up in bed with Claire. It’s not that I was not satisfied, but that I had become more and more perturbed by the fact that I wasn’t waking up anymore in my reality. Was it because the dreams were so intense? Was it because what I felt in dreams was what really fulfilled me? That if I wasn’t aware it was just a dream, wouldn’t I think that this should end? That I wouldn’t wish for anything else? So many questions, so early in the morning. I decided to let myself enjoy it for as long as it lasted. Maybe there was no tomorrow for us anymore. I had to live every day as it came, just seizing the moment. Claire was still asleep. She was probably more tired as she drove all the way back. On other days, this was the time she would return home after her morning run. It is true that she had become a little lazy during our holiday. But it could be also the fact that we were so sexually active. We swam and walked a lot. She didn’t have much energy left. I felt a naughty smile come on, as I thought of this, especially remembering the sex we had.
The sight of her naked body partially covered by the white sheets was alluring. I couldn’t stop looking at her. I felt like kissing her so badly, but I didn’t want to disturb her sleep. She was like an angel, my angel. What had I done to be loved so much, so powerfully, by someone like her? Yes, she was possessive, but she loved me with her body, mind and soul. I felt like every cell in her body needed my presence. This feeling was amazing. When she looked at me, it was like nothing else existed for her. It was the same for me when I looked at her. She was also the most honest and harmless person I knew. Over the past few days, I got to understand what lived behind her need to protect me. It was her sad childhood. There was a strong desire in her to protect me, not to lose me, as she had suffered enough loss already – her parents had died early and she didn’t have anyone else in her life beside me and David.
Then it was her fear of losing me, which could have its origins in what had happened to her as a child. It was true that I was naïve sometimes, believing that people had good intentions, until I would discover that some had bad intentions too. In those moments, I got really disappointed but I had never learned my lesson. These bad experiences never made me skeptical, though. I was like an eternal optimist. Somehow, this morning, I saw things clearly. It became obvious to me why she also wanted a child. I was sure that it would be the most loved child in the world. But how could she have a child as long as she was with me? Was she thinking of sperm donors? I knew this was possible. She didn’t have family besides her brother. She didn’t have to answer too many questions about the father. There were solutions to everything.
I felt energetic this morning. Seeing things clearer made me happier. I wanted to make her happy for as long as I was able to be by her. I went to the kitchen to make us breakfast. When I opened the fridge, I couldn’t find much, since we had just returned from our holiday the previous night. I made two glasses of orange juice, laid out two bananas that we had from the holiday and made some coffee. I entered the bedroom with the food on a tray. She had already woken up, and gave me the most beautiful lazy morning smile I had ever seen. God, I loved this woman.
“Good morning babe.” I smiled and set the tray down so I could kiss her without delay. I gave her the orange juice, and after she took a sip, we kissed again, whispering “I love you,” when we finally came up for air.
“I love you too, my beautiful Claire!” I said. In that moment, I couldn’t think of anything else that I rather do than be with her, in that moment, for the entire day, the next day and forever. We belonged together.
“It is you who is beautiful. You are my girlfriend with the most beautiful body, mind and soul. I am just lucky to have you and I will always love you. Don’t you ever forget that!” She was always modest. It was as though she couldn’t see and accept how beautiful she was. It was as though all she could see was me and nothing else. “I won’t forget it. There is no reason for me to forget!” I said, and kissed her lips again.
“Last night was incredible, don’t you think? So was our holiday!” she said. I agreed. It was the best holiday I had ever had. I felt the strongest sexual desire for Claire that I had ever had in my whole life. It was the deepest and the most romantic form of love I had ever lived. We had the need for attachment and the desire to create a family together. Yes, everything moved fast, but everything was so intense, so true, so beautiful and remarkable wonderful.
“I woke up this morning and I was thinking about the child that we want to have. Well, it will be our child, but now there is the question who should be the mother? I want our child to be like you, so I vote for a mini you. It will be the most beautiful child ever,” and while saying this I noticed how thrilled I was about it.
Yes, I also wanted to have a child of my own flash and blood, but it was a bit tricky now to decide which of us should be the carrying mother. This question popped up in the dreams only, as in reality it was very clear. Still, it didn’t seem that simple. But I was sure we will be able to decide on the matter. But the most important thing to decide upon was the father.
“I am not familiar with donor clinics in Slovenia but I know I heard in the past that people are going to Germany for this. What do you think if we try there and see what can be done. I am really excited about it.”
“No babe. I don’t want any donor. I don’t want to pick the father of our baby from a catalog, by the color of eyes, height and few other details regarding hobbies and profession. I don’t judge those who do and I am happy for all lesbian couples that they have this possibility, but we talked about this already. Though I keep forgetting that you don’t ha
ve any memory from the past. How I wish sometimes that you remember what we had and to know the reason why you couldn’t and made you choose to walk away from me. The only reason I would like to know it is because I want to avoid that you leave me again. But I am anyway happy to be able to build a new future with you. I am so happy that I didn’t lose you after all. This is our second chance and I am so grateful for it.” I nodded and leaned into her arms. I was so touched by all the love she showed to me. It felt so good to be in her arms, I felt so loved and safe.
“My brother David offered to be the father. But unfortunately you don’t remember,” she said with bit of sadness in her voice and began to caress my hair and earlobe, which made me feel protected and desired in the same time.
But as to our topic of discussion, I had to withdraw myself from any sexual desire, I pulled myself out of her arms and looked at her very serious and bit angry. “What do you mean Claire? Your brother is good looking and everything but I can’t have sex with him, for any cause, no matter how important it is! I can’t believe that you are suggesting this.” I stood up from the bed.
She pulled me by my hand towards her, with just one short but strong move I was back on the bed. “Sit and listen!” After a pause, she continued, “Relax babe, I wouldn’t ask you to do it. I couldn’t imagine you being with anyone else and that includes my brother. No, babe, he will be just the donor as I am talking about artificial insemination here.”