MAGNETIC REVERIE Read online

  “Okay, I understand. But this doesn’t mean that we don’t matter! Sweetheart, what can I do to see a smile on your face?”

  “What will our contribution to the world be? Yes, we have our jobs and we do it to earn money so we can afford to spend our time as we want. But we won’t invent anything, we won’t build anything, we won’t even have children. Nothing. The moment we die, that’s it, it will be like we never existed!” I couldn’t disagree – it was just that I didn’t expect she would think so deeply on a holiday. I thought she only cared for fun and to gain me back. I was so shallow! I wanted to have fun and experience my lesbian adventure without hurting Greg or her. Surely I admired everything I saw but I didn’t think deeper. I didn’t like to see her so sad, but I liked that she thought deeply.

  “Claire, my love, I am sure we can think of something that can make us remembered. I am sure there are things we can do and contribute so we can make a change. Let’s think of this together. We will find something, I am sure. We are still young and we have our whole lives ahead of us!” I hugged her. There weren’t people around. I didn’t care, anyway.

  “Oh babe, my sweet love! You are always so positive, so optimistic. You always know how to lift my mood. And you are now back to me!” The moment she finished, she kissed me strongly on my cheek. I wasn’t sure what to say that would sound appropriate. So, I changed the subject.

  “How come we hadn’t take any pictures together until now?”

  “I am not a fan of taking pictures constantly. I just enjoy the view so I have everything imprinted in my memory. If I could put on a film all the pictures I have with you, from my memory, it would be a real movie, a good piece of art.”

  “So you see? You can be an artist, something to leave to the world!”

  “Don’t make fun of me. Some pictures of you aren’t to be shared with the world. Some of them would make you blush if you looked at them, so let’s keep them private, okay?”

  “Okay, okay, naughty girl. You will be punished tonight for this. Get ready!” Yes! I had made her smile. I thought of intimate things that I wanted now, even more.

  “Do you think I am afraid of you? I might actually help you punish me! If we won’t be too tired…”

  We had to cool it for a while as people were passing by and this made me return to the previous questions. “I understand what you say about taking pictures, but why here, why now, why only this one?”

  “You don’t know, babe?”

  “What should I know?”

  “It’s okay, one day you will know!” She moved towards the exit from the fortress. I grabbed her hand and pulled her to me. She stopped, shocked. She didn’t expect it. She took a step closer and kissed me on the lips and then whispered in my ear with a sad voice: “History is repeating, I can feel it!” She turned around and walked her gracious gazelle-like walk. I was shocked because she kissed me. It took me a while to realize what she had just said. Oh God! I loved this woman. She was unpredictable and spontaneous. No, I didn’t mind the kiss in public and I didn’t even bother to check if anyone had seen us. And no, I wouldn’t take a picture of it as I would miss the moment of living in it. This kiss beat the one in the forest a few days ago. It was on the top of the city! I relived the kiss again and again. I started to think about her words and the sadness in her voice. What history was repeating? Was this related to her previous thoughts on her contribution to the world?

  I walked behind her. She wasn’t running from me, she just intentionally left me behind so I had space to think on my own. “The picture!” I yelled. She turned around, and looked at me, waiting for details. “The picture from your apartment, it was taken in the same place!”

  She began walking fast towards me, almost as if she was running. The moment she came close to me, she took me in her arms and lifted me up, turning us around until I felt dizzy. Yes, she was strong enough to do this and no, I didn’t care about anything else but us in that moment. It was our moment. “I love you my smart red head! I love you so much babe!”

  “I love you too, Claire. I really do!”

  “You are the love of my life!”

  “This time, I will not leave you. Don’t be afraid my love!” I realized soon enough that she was sad that I might leave her again after taking a picture in the same place. Maybe we could beat the bad karma of the location. We were too crazy about each other and were made for each other.

  “I need you next to me till the end of time!” This left me speechless. I chose to hug her as I was too overwhelmed. We held that hug for a long time. It was a filmy ending, and made it the best holiday I had ever had. A really different one, from all points of view! Yes, if the stones that we walked on could talk, they would surely tell our story, at least the part of it that they witnessed.

  After walking so much over the last few days and absorbing so much information, we ended our holiday, exhausted. But the main reason wasn’t to get rest, but to bring us together, to create new memories. We made history repeat, as Claire said at the fortress and we had the picture as proof, this time hopefully with a happy end.

  When the evening came, after we packed up part of our things, we got ready for bed. Neither of us seemed to be in the mood to get intimate. We kissed each other goodnight and turned off the lights and went to sleep. It was the second night in a row that we didn’t make love. Of course, our bodies had their limits so it didn’t bother me. I was sure we would fall asleep in a second. And it was so sweet to sleep in her arms, with my head on her shoulder. Falling asleep in just a second was valid only for Claire. My mind was not ready to slow down yet. And so, there was another night when she fell asleep before me. It was the last night of our holiday and the result was exactly what Claire hoped for. Every day, I fell deeper and deeper in love with her. I was crazy about her. I felt love for her at every moment of the day. Except when we were physically exhausted, we took enough time for ourselves in the apartment. I really enjoyed making love with her receiving and giving pleasure. I had become totally relaxed and it started to feel natural. I was madly in love with Claire. I wanted her body like nothing else. She was my woman, my beautiful girl.

  I thought about our holiday and revisited everything: visiting places, enjoying the city, great food, the kiss on the peninsula and at the fortress, the view of the sea, the swimming, the mufflons, the scene with the local guy, and making love, me doing her for the first time. I dedicated more time thinking of us making love in different places inside the apartment and recalling the pleasure that made me want it again and again. I looked at Claire, sure that she wouldn’t mind if I woke her up to make love. But since she was supposed to drive the next day, I decided to leave her to sleep.

  Suddenly, I remembered Greg. During the holiday, each time he appeared in my mind, I tried to ignore him. Up to now, I didn’t realize I hadn’t been in reality for a week already. The phone! How could I forget the phone? It was now that I remembered that I was planning to charge it so I could call Greg somehow. I stood up quietly, not wanting to wake up Claire. I found her charger, and it luckily fit my phone. It was night in Croatia, and therefore, likely to be evening in Washington. I realized that I couldn’t call now as I could wake her up if I spoke. It was not a conversation that Claire had to listen to. I went to the bathroom, plugged the charger and waited for a few minutes. I turned the phone on and stared at it for a while. I knew Greg’s number by heart. But what would I tell him? But of course, this part was something to think about only if I could connect with him from my dreams. My number in my dreams was definitely Slovenian. I would have to tell him that I had to leave to Slovenia in a hurry. The damage was done anyway with me being absent, so I had better tell him something at least, instead of letting him worry. He must have already gone mad wondering what had happened with me. This was the irony of life. He was probably devastated. I, on the other hand, had the greatest time ever, and I was not even thinking of him much! I was bad, really bad. I should correct this somehow, otherwise I wouldn’t be able to
live another day with this guilt.

  I decided to write him a text message: “Darling it is me, Lana. Everything is fine. I am sorry I didn’t write earlier. Please don’t worry. I will return soon, maybe already tomorrow, and explain everything.”

  The message was delivered, so I waited for an hour or more for a reply. I stared at the phone, hoping that the little piece of technology would help me feel less guilty. But the answer didn’t arrive. I put the phone on mute and went back to bed. Everything that happened in my dream was so intense and so real. It made me happy that a part of me wanted to forget about my real life. This was very selfish of me, though. No matter how surreal this dream was, I lived it as a second reality. It became my priority in the last few weeks.

  I really loved Claire and felt good with her. She was something I never experienced before. She woke up emotions in me at a different level. But she was just a fantasy. What I had with her was just an imaginary life that I lived in my dreams. So I had to put an end to this fantasy as it could really destroy my life. I felt like I had crossed an important line. I was so confused. Although, for the first time, I felt that one could love two people at the same time. My husband had a big advantage because he was real. Claire was only a part of my dreams. I couldn’t possibly choose her! If I chose to leave Claire, how do I make the dreams stop? Do I really want them to stop? If they don’t stop forever, how will I tell her that I don’t want to see her anymore? What reasons will I tell her? Maybe Claire was right when she felt that history was repeating itself. My heart was hurting just thinking that I might be able to end up with her and make her suffer again. But, why would I even have to tell her that I don’t want to see her anymore? I wanted her so badly to be part of my life. But she was in my dreams only so I must make her disappear. What would I do when the dreams end? As it happened already, it might happen again. Based on her story, I know I already hurt her once. I didn’t want to do that again. I couldn’t cause her dear soft heart more suffering.

  I stood up from the bed and went back to the bathroom to see if there is any message from Greg, but to my disappointment there was nothing. As I couldn’t fall asleep I went next to the window. The sky was clear so I could see many stars. I was looking at them praying for an answer, for some help, for a sign. What shall I do? Will I be like before if I manage somehow to stop dreaming? Will I miss Claire? I doubt I wouldn’t. Maybe I should try to be awake at least for one night and then the dreams will stop. But do I really want that? I love Claire. I want to see her again, feel her, kiss her, look and get lost in her beautiful blue eyes. But what about Greg? How could I look now into his eyes, as I cheated on him? And the worst of it is that I really enjoyed it, more or at least different than I did with him. I loved his masculinity and strong touches, but I loved as well Claire’s fragile body and her gentle soft skin. I felt horrible.

  One way or the other I won’t be totally happy, ever.

  But the most logical thing to do was to try to finish somehow with the dreams. If I won’t manage, then my reality will become a nightmare. And Greg didn’t do anything to suffer this. Will he take me back after my disappearance? What can I tell him? Do I have to tell him about my dreams? No, this would be very stupid for me to do so. I will try to find some explanation for my absence. But I must find ways to stop dreaming.

  No! I don’t want to stop dreaming. I don’t want to lose Claire. Especially not now, when our relation reached another dimension. The moment we started being intimate I felt I was actually discovering a new me with Claire and I am sure it could go on and on if we would only had the chance. But Claire, she was just in my dreams. I wasn’t fair towards her, having Greg in my life and heart and she had no clue about it. I attracted in my dreams the most beautiful, sexiest, warmest woman that exists on this planet and she was in love with me. But I wasn’t alone, I had someone in my life. How could I manage to fall for her, when I thought that I had everything I needed in life with Greg? I know I discovered another love, a different one, maybe even stronger. But it must end. How could I do it? What could I tell her? There wasn’t a logical way to tell her. I wondered at times if it was harder for the one that leaves, or for the one that’s left behind. I felt like it was definitely harder for me as I was just about to leave her. Harder because I still wanted her. However I had no idea how deeply this could hurt Claire. Yes, she said she would be reserved about it – but I didn’t believe her. You can’t tell your heart to be careful. This is what you tell your mind but the heart doesn’t play by rational rules that the mind is set on.

  Sure many relationships break up and it’s hard to avoid the suffering that follows. No matter how many times you try, it’s hard each time. The magic of love when lived is worth every tear that follows when it ends. Just that you can’t think like this at the moment you end a relationship. Later, when the wounds aren’t as painful, one can look back and remember the good things, the great moments and feelings shared and value the other one’s existence despite the sadness caused by the separation. This was my opinion especially for the ones you loved so much that you think you could die for. This kind of love I felt for Claire and it was worth a thousand others. It didn’t matter that our relationship didn’t last very long. At least the part I had experienced. Was it the intensity and depth of feelings that counted in the way we connected?

  I looked at her. She slept with such tranquility, without a clue of what was going on in my head. We had to pack and go back today. For her it was back to Ljubljana where her life and home was. But what about me? Lately, I constantly woke up in the dream, so I was living in my dream. I didn’t know when and if I would wake up in reality. No matter how much I enjoyed my time with Claire, I didn’t want these parallel worlds anymore. I owed a lot to Greg. Explaining where I was all these days was easier than explaining to Claire why I had to leave. I didn’t want it, but I had to leave her. My love! Oh, my Claire!

  Will you be okay without me?

  Do you actually exist without me?

  Will you forgive me?

  Ever?

  The morning sun woke me up. I loved mornings. I loved the promise of a new day, the first thoughts, the smell of coffee, the kiss and hug of my loved one. But this morning, I felt terrible. Despite the fact that we had a really great time together and took our intimacy to another level, or perhaps, exactly because of that. Before falling asleep, I took a decision. I wanted to share it with Claire. It was true that I had slept less and this wasn’t helping me at all. When I didn’t have enough sleep, I had less energy to go on with important decisions, especially when it was the hardest thing I had to do. But I had to do it.

  “Good morning, sweetie. What are you doing? It’s everything okay babe?” she asked. At first, I couldn’t say anything. I just looked at her, amazed by her beauty. Just one look at her was enough to make my heart melt.

  “Oh you woke up, sleeping beauty! I am fine, I just feel sorry that our holiday is almost over!” I didn’t have the courage to tell her anything yet. Despite the time I had lost thinking about it, I hadn’t come up actually with ideas of how I would tell her. I was weak. I loved her so much. How could I possibly leave her?

  “Yes it is our last day, but this doesn’t mean that we can’t enjoy it the most. I am hungry, did you pick up breakfast as we agreed?”

  “Oh! I forgot, honey. Only now I remembered I was in charge of breakfast. I will go now.”

  “Okay, don’t worry. Take your time, no need to hurry as I feel like staying in bed for a little longer so I can wait for you here and maybe later, you can join me.” No matter how appealing this invitation was, I was aware that this was not the best thing to do, bearing in mind all the thoughts I had recently. I smiled and ran out of the door. I wandered the streets of the Old Town. There weren’t many people around. I stopped at the first bakery and bought croissants, then to the smoothie place and finally, with coffee to go, I had everything we needed. I headed to our apartment in the heart of this beautiful town. It might have been the walk or th
e fresh morning air that made me think that it wasn’t yet time to give up. I felt the joy of the morning taking me over. I felt alive again and was convinced that everything was going to be alright. I checked the phone. There was no answer from Greg. I didn’t write anything else.

  As I approached the apartment, I realized that I missed her so much that it hurt me. When I finally entered, I left everything I bought on the table and rushed towards the bedroom. She was still there, with all her warmth, beauty and love. The woman of my dreams was waiting for me in bed. I took off my clothes and lay down next to her, and we were covered in a thin sheet of white linen. It was hard to describe the passion that she stirred in me and the depth of the emotions I felt for her. She took me in her arms, happily and greedily. We kissed and made love like never before, like there was no tomorrow.

  After breakfast in bed, with the common gestures that lovers indulge in, like feeding each other, smiling and kissing after each bite or sip, we were ready to start another day. I was happy. It was amazing how deep I could feel for her after such a short time. It’s like we knew each other for much longer, for a lifetime.

  While driving back to Ljubljana, it came to mind that it was possible that she was in my dreams already in the past. Maybe that’s why it took such a short time for me to fall in love with her. But if this was true, and part of me wanted to believe it was, it meant that she would disappear from my life at some point and maybe I might get to meet her later. I was reassured of the possibility that she would never go away from my life, completely. Or, from my dreams. But each time I would have to go from the beginning, as I wouldn’t have any memories of us ever being together.

  We chose to drive back on the old road that was not as fast as the highway, but the view was great. The sea that we had left behind was visible in an excellent panorama. The islands impressed us with their majesty. We sang and laughed, and anyone who saw might have seen how happy we were. We knew it, and were happy. When it was time for a break, we searched for a place to stop that was not a gas station. We reached a cute little village. Since we were still in holiday mood, we decided to roam around a bit. We ate at a local restaurant, which was not special in terms of decoration, but the food was one of the best I had ever had. There were not many people on the terrace, so we enjoyed the privacy.