MAGNETIC REVERIE Read online

  “Yes that is true. I suffered enough my whole life, so like this I protect myself. There are only two persons in the world that I love and I would do anything for. David and you. And this is enough for me. Davis is my brother, as I just mentioned to you earlier, and he loves me unconditionally and feels the same for me. So this makes you my Achilles’ heel.”

  I leaned on towards to her, and despite the fact that she showed me earlier today that my hugs aren’t really welcomed, I hugged her and she allowed me. The closeness of her body felt so good and she was really so beautiful. The more I found out about her, the more I saw beauty in her heart too. It was a short hug, as I didn’t want to interrupt her as long she was still in the mood to talk about herself.

  “David is the only one that knows about us and he is very supportive of our relationship. He is the best man anyone could wish for, but….”and she looked aside and stopped.

  “But what? Tell me, I am curious.”

  “I better not tell you more at this moment. We will talk about David and we shall meet him soon. Until then we have to bring your memory back so we will take it step by step.”

  I hugged her again, this time stronger and she put her head on my shoulder while I was caressing her back and hair. This felt so natural, but she wasn’t relaxed, so sensing her pain was actually hurting me also. I felt her body shacking a bit, like she was controlling the tears and I noticed she was crying again. I leaned my head to get a better view of her face, wanting to tell her that everything will be all right, but in the same moment she moved her head up towards me and our lips touched, slowly, barely I could feel the contact, but I didn’t move, I started to kiss her, soft, gentle, and this time it didn’t seem like a platonic kiss. Her lips were so soft, the salt from her tears reminded me of the sea, and I got lost in the kiss, I got lost in her lips, the best lips I ever kissed, the best kiss I ever had. This is exactly what I felt.

  Who knows how long we would be kissing if we wouldn’t be interrupted by the door bell, most probably pizza delivery was here. But maybe it was better like that. Despite the fact that I enjoyed our kiss, I felt really confused. Also the sad story from her childhood was still so vivid in my head. Poor Claire. I felt such deep emotions for this person already but I knew that in that moment were mostly empathetic. I really hoped I didn’t kiss her for pity. I wouldn’t want to play with her feelings. I don’t want to make her suffer anymore, she had already endured more than a person should take in one life time.

  When she went to the door, my eyes were following her, while my mind was preoccupied with thousands of questions. Was it because of the wine or it was because of the girl? Was it a dream in a dream or I just kissed her? Was it a passionate or compassionate kiss? I couldn’t answer any of the questions or maybe I was afraid to acknowledge the truth. But one thing I knew for sure that my longing for adventure really got accomplished. Perhaps this kiss was something that I would look back on, one day, and recognize as a breakthrough. But I knew that it was something that connected us beyond the physical level.

  Only time would tell…

  Chapter 6

  DREAMS, WHERE ARE YOU?

  “When we can’t dream any longer we die.” — Emma Goldman

  Greg arrived home earlier than usual, just the time I was actually looking what movies are showing at cinema those days. “You plan to go to the movies honey?” he asked seeing the screen while he kissed my head.

  “Yes dear, I was thinking that it would be a good idea. Are you in the mood to go this evening?”

  “Yes, why not? It will do me good to forget a bit about all the madness from today, but only if you find one appropriate for me, you know my taste.” He was working really hard lately as one year ago, together with his friend; they settled a financial advising company. Luckily results were slowly starting to show, but it required a long run of support and effort. He was smart and loved what he was doing. I was proud of him. But I thought he should relax more. He had many hobbies, he liked to travel, ride the bicycle, attend Hi-Fi shows, visit amusement parks, but lately he didn’t have the time for a majority of them. Except for jazz, his greatest hobby which always relaxed him, he was not doing any of those in the past few months. Watching a movie wasn’t his favorite thing, but the moment I mentioned the great reviews that Avatar received he agreed to give it a try.

  One hour later, we were waiting in line to buy tickets to cinema. I read that Avatar has an excellent story, a true masterpiece. A true love story always touched my heart and fulfilled me in the same time.

  Indeed the story caught my attention from the beginning. I am an empathic and emotional person and I always wipe a tear or two when I watch a touchy movie. Greg would usually observe me and I would feel that he is watching when I would wipe my tears and the next moment we would both burst into laughter. But not this time. I just felt myself totally immersed in the movie so I have no clue if I was observed. The love the main characters felt for each other and the way they got connected really moved me and fascinated in the same time. I even wished for a moment to have the possibility to transfer myself in the dream whenever I felt like it. That would be really cool. In the movies everything seemed possible, but my dreams were so unpredictable. No matter how unsure I felt each time I woke up in other apartment, the more I dream, the more I liked it. And now that kiss, it was literally and metaphorically the dream kiss. Kissing Claire was something that I had no words to describe. So much softness, so many emotions in just the touch of two people’s lips.

  “Oh, what did you say dear? I am sorry I lost my mind a bit,” I said when I finally noticed that Greg was trying to tell me something. His brow furrowed at my lack of attention but immediately relaxed.

  “Come my romantic, unless you want the cleaning people to ask for our help. You have been sitting for few minutes now, and the film is over. Everybody has left. I am sure you enjoyed very much the movie!” He smiled and took my hand making sure in some way that we are really going to leave from the theater. I still didn’t mention him anything about my dreams but the more they evolved, I had less reasons to tell him and more not to. It was my sweet secret. It was my fantasy, which could turn out in my agony on long term. I was starting to be aware of that.

  “Oh, yes, it was such a nice movie, a long one but I wouldn’t mind if it would last even longer!” My comment being good enough to explain the reason I got bit lost in time. My explanation was logical and quite true as well, but I couldn’t tell Greg that I was thinking about a kiss, a kiss with another person.

  “I liked it also, so it was a good choice. But let’s go home pretty-head, it’s quite late and we need to sleep to be able to function at work. With all the meetings I have planned for tomorrow, I will barely have time to breath.”

  “Of course honey. I agree, I also want to be in bed as soon as possible!” The true reason being that I was so eager to fall asleep was to get to kiss Claire at least one more time.

  And then he kissed me.

  It was bit of surprise, as I wasn’t expecting his kiss in that moment. This made me suddenly be angry at myself as I shouldn’t be thinking kissing anyone else, but my husband. Still, the remorse didn’t last long as the ‘evil’ side of me didn’t care and wanted to kiss that girl again.

  On the way back home we were silent. Greg was driving. It was late and ever since the movie ended I didn’t feel like talking and he seemed to concentrate on the traffic. It was dark and after a very hot day it started to rain cats and dogs. On the radio I could hear the sounds of a very pleasant music. From time to time Greg was looking at me. I couldn’t decipher exactly what his eyes were saying, searching. The music was so romantic, love words were in the air and we were both listening to them, feeling them, breathing them together with the love we felt for each other. Just, that I wasn’t now 100% in it anymore. I wondered how much of it Greg could feel.

  I used to think our love was real, honest and strong. But the dreams already made me alter the perfect picture. It was an alarmi
ng sign that I should forget about my foolish dreams, no matter how intriguing they were. My life was what happened during the day, with Greg. Nights should be just for body to recover and have the energy for the next day of reality. I felt remorse. Greg didn’t deserve this. Since I knew him, he was always expressing his love and passion for me only. I could feel I was the one for him. To him I was the most beautiful woman. He loved me just the way I was. I was the center of his world. He was also mine up till the dreams started. Now the circle started to decrease its size. So it would be really stupid to let this dream affect what we had.

  Having this dream it was a fantasy and I admit I enjoyed it, it was something special about it and it had continuity. It was of course strange and hard to believe that this is possible, but it happened without any kind of power from my side. I never heard anyone experiencing such kind of dream. After the night when I had the first dream, everything was still the same in my life the next day. But now that we kissed and I realized how much I enjoyed it, started to affect my reality. Should I be worried? Was I somehow closing my eyes and not noticing the potential danger ahead? Or I should better open my eyes wider to see better what is happening?

  I wondered if I could find a way to control the events from my dreams, if control is something that can be actually applied. Could it be that in my dream, I was actually an inverted version of my thoughts, experiences or wishes, hidden in the subconscious?

  Sure, everyone has his own fantasies, his secrets. The problem was that these hidden fantasies were about another person. It was then, when I felt that this was some form of cheating. If I dream again can I refrain to kiss Claire? Although up to that moment I was of a different opinion, I started to feel guilt inside me. And this guilt hurt. Why did I attract these dreams? And why they felt so real?

  They felt like a second reality in another world.

  But these two worlds interfered as I was allowing too much of Claire into my reality.

  “Is it something happening to you lately?” and his words stroke me.

  “What do you mean, honey?” I tried to sound as calm and innocent as possible but I realized that the whole way of driving and preparation for bed I was lost in my thoughts. I felt guilty.

  “I am not sure. You seem often distracted, you don’t show any special interest in me, in our conversation and daily activities, like you used to. It’s like you are preoccupied with something. Is there anything that I should know or worry about?” he asked me in a very serious tone. I was afraid when he addressed me in that severe tone.

  “No dear, I am fine, really. Maybe I am just tired. I don’t know. When I woke up, I didn’t feel rested. Over the last few days, I had quite a few of strong headaches and migraines. You know I am not satisfied with my job. It could as well be a combination of all these factors. But otherwise I am fine, there is nothing to worry about!” I said, hoping he would believe me as part of the reason was actually the true reality. At the beginning I was getting afraid and wouldn’t be able to tell him a lie when he was getting this serious. But right now surprisingly didn’t affect me much.

  However this time my explanation wasn’t a total lie so I had no reason to feel bad about it. Once more I was convinced that I have to do something to stop these dreams. If he noticed already that I am acting differently, then I was probably allowing myself to live in the dream too much during day time. No matter of the kiss and the intriguing part that I was with a girl so beautiful as Claire was, this has got to stop.

  “Okay. I understand and I really hope that this is the real reason. Until you find another job, maybe you should hang out more with Erica, or any other friend of yours, take more time for your hobbies or for whatever you feel that will help you relax, live the free time pleasantly and make you forget about work. Also dissatisfaction with your job can influence your night sleep and the headaches. Hopefully my business will get bigger and stable soon and later on you will be able to decide if you want to have a job or not. If you decide to stay at home, I will totally support you and for example it would be really nice to come home every day and you wait me with dinner!” He smiled and kissed me really affectionate.

  He was right about everything including talking with Erica. But I felt I rather use the opportunity to talk about having children as here he was the only one that could help.

  “Did you think that maybe if we would have a child it would really make me more satisfied? I know we said we will wait, but maybe this deep down is the actual reason that frustrates me. I feel that because of this you are avoiding making love to me. I know I can’t expect it to be like the beginning, but I believe that we went too fast to behave like an old couple, with few exceptions.”

  “Oh no, sweetie pie. This is not true. No matter how hard for you it is to believe me, I am as attracted to you as I was in the beginning. I am sorry you can’t feel it. But please bear in mind that the past year wasn’t easy. It’s a big step to start your own business and my mind is preoccupied with it. Soon, it will be different.”

  “Okay, honey. It means a lot to me to know that you haven’t lost your desire for me. I feel silly now. You must think I have no understanding of how stressful your life is lately due to this new business.” I looked at him and caressed his sweet face. I felt his honesty and true love and I was sorry that I doubted it. Still, I realized he didn’t comment on having a child so I had to continue. “As for the child that I wish for so much, don’t worry, I understand. We will wait till your business is big enough so we don’t have to worry about finances.” I knew he didn’t like to talk about this subject much, especially before falling asleep, but it came out. For too long, I had kept this inside, pretending that everything was okay.

  “Okay, sweetie!” He kissed me again. We hugged and stayed like that until we fell asleep.

  He was so sweet.

  He was wonderful, the most caring person I ever knew.

  He did not expect me to cook, clean, do the laundry, iron the shirts and such else. We divided the chores and it functioned perfectly. He cooked faster and better, and took the charge every time he had the chance. It is true that before I moved to US, we didn’t have the chance to live together. We saw each other only from time to time for a week or two, exchanged thousands of emails and spoke on Skype, but we didn’t know how it would be to function together in everyday life. I was a bit afraid that it might not function, that this can diminish our love, if we would argue about everything, but from the beginning we managed to work perfectly, side by side. He was pretty much in control of my life, as I knew nobody here, I had no family or friends, but he made sure I didn’t feel the gap. He encouraged me to go around, to the gym, to the library, to different seminars that might get my interest and like this I started meeting people and making my own friends, out of which Erica was number one. From time to time we hanged out with his friends also, they really accepted me immediately. It was interesting for them to hear about my country, about Europe, about communism. Although communism regime that was in Slovenia, that time part of Yugoslavia, wasn’t so strict as in other closer countries like Hungary, Romania or Bulgaria, still was something holding their attentions for hours. To them it was hard to believe that we had so many limitations under that regime, something that they would never understand as the people that had to live with for years. Even though none of them knew at the beginning where Slovenia was, I didn’t think less of them. As far as I understood it was a matter of the educational system. On the other side I was sure that rarely someone from Europe would know the name of all fifty states that were forming United States of America. I admit I didn’t. While US it’s familiar I believe to everyone on this planet, a small country like Slovenia needed a little bit of more introductory details almost to each person I met in US. Actually it happens sometimes also that people from Europe aren’t sure which one is Slovenia and which one is Slovakia, former part of Czechoslovakia. The moment I mentioned them that Slovenia it’s at the border with Austria and Italy, things got clearer and easi
er to place it geographically. They wanted to know everything and I really appreciated that. As far as I understood they learned in school about Europe, but not too detailed, while there wasn’t anything on Slovenia. I felt somehow that I am being a promoter of my country and the feeling was nice. The more details I told them, the more interested they were. I even discovered between our occasional meetings that they were searching on internet more details and they all seemed to appear interested going in vacation to Slovenia. But also, when I told them about Croatia and especially the seaside there, this really got into them as well. It was funny to me to hear them say that it must be dangerous in this part of Europe. Being a lower standard it was immediately connected with higher rate of criminality. I didn’t blame them and I tried to assure them they would feel safe. Greg could anyway confirm this, as he was there. Few times we organized at our place dinner with traditional food from my country and they just loved it. They became real fans of European cuisine, especially Mediterranean one. Once I told them the story when McDonald’s opened their first fast food in Ljubljana, capital city of Slovenia. People were waiting in a long line to get their hamburger, children didn’t want to eat any other type of French fries except those there. Although in Europe McDonald’s are much cleaner than I could see in US, but it’s still a fast food. Just as being American, for a long time was looked at like something really wow. In time people got used with other American fast food chains and McDonald’s became less popular as in its beginnings. Still, it’s like children’s paradise, with their happy meals and toys and birthday parties. Also for my American friends, the different policy of tipping in Europe seemed interesting to hear about. While Slovenia, among all other countries that were once part of Yugoslavia, has received the most influence of western Europe, especially from Germany, there is perfectly normal to have your drink or your meal and not tip at all. Sure, if you are like really satisfied with the food and service, you may give a tip, but it’s not compulsory and the waiter will not treat you worse next time you come, if you never tip. Also when friends are going out for a drink or meal, it can happen that either each one of them pays for its part or very often, one pays everything and somehow it’s expected that next time they switch turns. The more I talked to them about my country, the more they learned and it was also for me the possibility to find out more about the differences. Still I really enjoyed talking about Slovenia and all wonderful places that should be seen, when there. I noticed that Postojna cave got their utmost attention. There is also an old castle of Postojna, but the cave it’s famous all over the world. Inside the cave there is a wonderful subterranean world abundant with unusual stalagmites and stalactites, and animals as well. The cave offers a fantastic web of tunnels, passages, galleries and halls. Talking about animals in this cave, I only remembered details about the olm (Proteus anguinus), a symbol of Slovenian natural heritage, which always excited people’s attention and imagination. The old beliefs said that the dragon’s offspring brought onto the surface by high waters. These ‘baby dragons’, which often live to be a hundred, only reproduce once every five to ten years, but when they do, it’s a real happening among visitors, especially scientists. In time I heard that the same olms were discovered in Croatia as well, but being Slovenian I didn’t always mentioned this information to Greg’s friends. I felt joy when I made them curious as to how such a small country could have so many wonderful places and this made me not just happy but also proud. As the reason I left my country was because of love, I didn’t have the feeling that I betrayed it in any way. For us it seemed that we could have a stable future if I come to US, especially due to the language. For an American, Slovene wouldn’t be impossible to learn, but harder than for me improving my English. So here I was, adapting to my new home, but never forgetting my mother land.