MAGNETIC REVERIE Page 6

  We reached the apartment and it felt nice being home again, if I could call the place my home. But I was in the town I was born in and had lived in for twenty-six years. I missed it so much! When one moves to another country, two things can happen, either they can really accommodate and start living and breathing like a local, fancying memories or things regarding their origin from time to time, or can simply miss their homeland like crazy. Now, in the second case, it’s either constant effort to adapt and accept or just simply return home. I was in the group of foreigners that decided to adapt and keep living in the US. It was also something that the two of us discussed, my husband and I, believing that we could do better financially in US which will allow ourselves a better future, especially when we would have children.

  The food tasted different in Slovenia. By different, I meant better for me and I knew I was thinking like that as this is the kind I was used to. In general, across all countries in Europe that I had been to, I could say that food was tastier and more natural flavored than in the US. But I believed that like any other person coming to the US, I would also get used to the food there, just that I really tried not to get into the habit of eating too much fast food and drinking lots of beverages. I tried not being too much though into healthy, organic and bio diets. I stood mid-way, I didn’t like extremes, although it could happen that I could overeat while eating a good pizza. Thinking of pizza, I wished that I would get to have one before I woke up to reality. The dream seemed too real! The details were too particular and close to reality. Even the part of me that thought this was just a dream, started to think that it might not be a dream. It seemed like a weird parallel reality.

  We didn’t exchange words on the way back home. I assumed she had the need to be alone with her thoughts as much as I did. The moment we entered the apartment, though, it struck me. “Wait a minute! How come your name is Claire but you are from Slovenia? This is not at all a Slovene name!” I said, suspiciously.

  “Oh babe, maybe with this proof of smartness, your memory will get back slowly. Or did the ice cream make you smarter?”

  I could be sarcastic as well sometimes, but I didn’t like sarcasm from people I was close to, especially when I was vulnerable. “I have no idea how this can prove that I am smart or that my memory is back! I just know that Claire isn’t a Slovene name!” I answered sharply and this seemed to soften her.

  “I feel like I really have to take it from the beginning. My name is Klara. Soon after we met, you started calling me Claire, as you have this habit of giving people names that seem to suit them better. You told me that Claire would suit me more, so I accepted it. Actually, I loved it immediately as it came from you. Sometimes, I introduce myself with this name when I meet someone. For me, Lana is beautiful enough, I used it until I felt that I was falling for you and then I started to call you babe!” She took off her shoes, put on her slippers – wearing slippers inside the house is a practice in Slovenia but not in the US. We passed the anteroom and entered the living room. Despite the fact that Greg was always amused by it, I used my slippers in our apartment in Washington. He could walk about barefoot, something that I would never do, as I wasn’t used to it. I followed her instinctively. This time, the place was far more familiar to me. It was a nice summer afternoon and the sun was still shining vaguely. Inside the apartment, the temperature was cozy and I felt like doing something special.

  “Hey. Today is our third day together A.A., why don’t we celebrate? From all medical tests from today, ignoring the lack of iron, it seems I am totally healthy. You seem in good shape as well, so let’s celebrate the day with something stronger than ice cream!” While saying this, I knew it was my special humor, which unfortunately most of the time had to come with an explanation for the interlocutor.

  “Oh, it is still you, same old witty funny you, but still, I need some explanation. What is A.A.? As you proposed to celebrate, which most probably can include a drink, knowing that none of us is alcoholic, it should be for sure something else. I know you for long time now, but this mind of yours can always trick me!” She gave me a really nice smile. I think I must have looked at her lips again and admired her white sparkling teeth as I noticed she stopped talking.

  “A.A. is After Amnesia. Do you think I am funny? I really like that. This is something I want to keep no matter how old I get!” I went to the kitchen to see what we could celebrate with.

  “After Amnesia! Ha ha! You are really funny. Since you mentioned lack of iron and since the only alcohol we have in the apartment is red wine, I believe that’s the best solution. So look on the first shelf, bit above your pretty head and you will see it!” Although I wasn’t too familiar with the kitchen, it wasn’t hard to find the glasses, so I poured the wine and with both glasses in my hands I headed towards the living room.

  “To a perfect After Amnesia period!” She raised the toast and I repeated.

  The wine was great. I forgot how good Slovenian wines were. This was a Cabernet Sauvignon from Vinakras, and it was the best I had tasted. Another thing that I missed in the US, but luckily it wasn’t so hard to purchase European wines there. Just that they were bit pricey. “We should find a reason to celebrate every day. I love this wine!” I noticed how amused she was by my happiness.

  “You are so sweet when you get so happy over little things. No problem babe, I will make sure we always have it in the house and you make sure that you will always come up with reasons to celebrate!” We clinked glasses again and she smiled at me while she took another sip of wine. I smiled and she kissed me on the cheek. I felt shy.

  “By the way, the other day I got almost hit by a car and some guy saved me. He was very cute and seemed familiar. Surprisingly, he knew me. He even said hello to you, but I have no idea who he was!”

  “Oh babe. Why didn’t you mention me immediately. You are really clumsy sometimes. You need to be more careful.” She came again closer to me and kissed me on both cheeks. “The guy that saved you, some kind of coincidence, ha? Well, this would be very easy, as there is only one guy that knows that the two of us are together. Correction: were together. It was most probably David, my brother. So you don’t have any memory of him, either? It’s strange that you say about him that looked familiar to you, while I wasn’t. This is really sad. Memory is really complicated and tricky.”

  “Oh yes, David. Of course! So you must be Klara Kovač then?”

  “Babe! How come you know my surname and you didn’t know my name? Are you sure you aren’t kidding me?” Yes it was a logical question from her side, but I had an answer for that.

  “Claire, first of all I know why he seemed known to me as I read an article where they mentioned him and showed his picture. He must be successful. Secondly, I realize now I saw Kovač written on the front door, but didn’t think about it until now!”

  “My big brother, I am so proud of him. We didn’t have an easy childhood. It’s incredible that he has achieved so much already!”

  “Tell me more about your childhood, Claire!” I was curious, who wouldn’t be?

  It took some time, first she rejected to answer. I insisted over this question and actually the moment I stopped pursuing she started to talk. I was happy, I learned something about her. She wasn’t very eager to share intimate things that weren’t pleasant to her, but when I would stop insisting she would actually tell me.

  “It’s not like the whole childhood was crap. Actually we were happy especially at the orphanage when we were together. He is just one year older than me, but from little age I looked at him like my really big brother and he felt always the need to protect me. The problems started when we lived with foster parents, often separated, so it wasn’t all the time easy. As long as we managed to be together with foster parents that chose both of us, we were happy. But it wasn’t always the case and this affected both of us pretty much. Actually he is also the only person from my side that knows about my orientation and the two of us. He is always so understanding and supportive.” She paus
ed, took a sip of wine and then she continued.

  “As I mentioned, we were both very little when we lost our parents, too little to remember them actually. But there are some awful things that happened after that, no matter how much I try, I can’t forget. Sometimes I wonder if they made me like this, but I will never know for sure. When I was about ten, David and I were given to different shelters for foster care. They told us it was temporary until the social service would be able to find a family that wanted the both of us. I prayed each night that the next day I would get to leave that house. For almost a year I lived my worst nightmare. I was beaten, sexually abused and all the crappy stuff that you see sick people do to innocent helpless children. I was afraid to tell anyone as this monster of a man threatened to kill David if anyone found out about it. David was the only one I had left and I tried to find strength to carry on, hoping that I would be able to leave that hell of a life soon. I don’t want to go into details about many of the things that the horrible man did to me. I am trying to forget. But I am marked for life because of that and I never had the single thought that I could ever love a guy, excepting my brother. Men aren’t guilty for the things that one of them did to me, but I simply can’t be intimate with a man. Actually until I met you, I didn’t know will I be ever capable to love anyone and be intimate with. But you were the one that made everything possible. You are my first and last love.”

  The more she revealed her childhood story, the more horrified I was. It was so sad to hear of such things, and how people ruin simple and innocent children with their perverted ways. I didn’t find appropriate words to tell her or even comfort her with. It wasn’t easy to talk about this and I realized how much it must have meant to relive all the trauma and then heal from it. She looked at me with sad eyes. I wanted to hug her but she didn’t let me, so I had only words to express my compassion. “I am so sorry to hear that. Oh Claire, it is so sad to hear that you grew up without parents and that such horrible things happened to you. I am happy that you have a good brother and the two of you always stood by each others’ side. This is so important. Both of you are so handsome. Do you have any pictures of your parents, what happened with them, if you don’t mind me asking?”

  “I am not in the mood to talk more about this right now, maybe some other time!” and I sensed deep sadness in her voice and also her eyes got sorrow.

  I figured out that I should tell something to melt down the atmosphere.

  “I have one sister, what you probably know already. We were lucky to grow up with both of our parents. Still, my sister is almost fifteen years older than me, so we could never be very close, it’s rarely actually that we talk to each other. The moment I started to talk, she was almost going to college. I was and I will always be the little sister to her, who could never understand the big people’s life. My parents are often going to her, helping her around the kids, taking care of the garden and enjoying fresh air from the village. Did I ever take you there?”

  “No, as you didn’t want by any means that your family members feel that between the two of us can be something more than friendship. As you know, I am so damn attracted to you that I can’t control myself too long time. And you knew that and you wanted to avoid your family suspect anything. I respected that. And if you would remember this you would know what the reason was, why we returned in such a hurry to the apartment this afternoon.”

  “Ice cream was good but this wine is much better.”

  While she was saying this, she poured some more wine and took another sip making it clear that she doesn’t want to talk about this for the moment. I was thinking that I was so curious to find more about Claire, about us, but I decided to be patient and let her talk about it when she will feel like it. She was really very attractive, the energy that I felt next to her was amazing. She seemed a calm person in general, but she had a special way of looking at you and behind her calmness I could feel she was often nervous. I would so much have liked to be able to read her thoughts while she gave me her special look. Her eyes were amazing, one could get lost in the depth of their beauty. Her voice was such a pleasant melody to the ear. I kept myself thinking about her in a way I never thought of any other woman. Usually this was the way I was thinking when I fancied some guy. What’s happening to me?

  Was I feeling butterflies? Actually I didn’t think so, it was probably the wine and the fact that I didn’t eat much that day, and I was starving.

  “The wine is really great but I am hungry. Can we please order some pizza? But wait, let me see how much money I have left.” I was brought back again to reality thinking what was actually my financial situation. I was working, so most probably I did have money, but I had no idea how much. Okay, I wasn’t working during summer holidays, but did I have money in the wallet, did I have any money in the bank?

  “Don’t worry, I will pay, and knowing you, you always have money, so don’t be so preoccupied with this. I will pay for the pizza now and tomorrow you can check your bank account, if you want to feel more secure. I am sure all your savings are there, as you are like this, you want to have always some financial backup. The money don’t stay with me though. No matter how much I earn, I spend them all. Still, lately I was trying with your help, to develop some financial discipline, so without any additional comment pizza it’s on me.”

  She took my hand and led me to the kitchen. I was surprised by her gesture and she couldn’t hide either that she noticed my reaction. The touch of her hand felt gentle and strong in the same time and somehow confused me. I felt more relaxed when she left my hand, smiled and filled up our glasses, handing me one. With the glass in my hand, I was still standing next to the cupboard when she leaned over me and raised her right hand. I got scared and moved aside, but I felt silly immediately as she actually just wanted to grab the leaflet for pizza, which was on the shelf above my head.

  “I am sorry. I know that before I didn’t let you hug me, but it was due to the bitter memories. But now I am fine. Please, don’t be afraid. I am so used of touching you that I almost did that by instinct. I forgot that for you I am just somebody you met three days ago. It’s still hard for me to understand and accept this, but I am trying.” The physical contact didn’t bother me, actually. On the contrary, I enjoyed it. But I chose not to tell her. I felt safer this way, until I figured out how adventurous I could be in the dreamland. But who was I kidding? Drinking two glasses of wine for me was enough to call it an adventure! We ordered pizza and went to the living room to wait for it. We sat on the couch, sipping wine, while Claire told me about the photographs on the closet, except the one with the two of us. The wine made me bolder, so I asked. “When was this one taken?”

  “About a month-and-a-half ago on my birthday, when I told you that clichéd answer that all I wanted for my birthday was YOU. And you were, and still are, mine for the last time. The next day, you decided to break up.” She had a sad expression. It became harder and harder to look at her when she felt like that. At least this time she was not weeping, but all the joy that we felt a moment ago had disappeared. I didn’t know what to say as I felt I had apologized enough for something that I didn’t remember. I really wanted to know what made me break up with her. Despite me asking, insisting and giving up on pursuing, she still wouldn’t tell me. “I believe it’s better for me that I don’t tell you about it. Maybe you changed your mind in between, I would really like to believe that. Maybe this caused you this amnesia. Maybe you were the same affected by us breaking up that your mind decided to delete everything related to me. So many unknown things that drive me crazy!” she said.

  “I am sorry I can’t help you with the answers, not more than I can help myself. Please be patient.” I wanted to take her head and place it on my shoulder to make her calm faster like this, but she refused it. After a few moments of silence, a thought struck me. “Did you cheat on me?” This seemed the only reason that would make me want to leave her and would be reasonable enough for her not wanting to tell me.

&nbs
p; “Don’t be silly, please. There is no way I would do that. I didn’t cheat you, how could I cheat you? I would never do that to you and in the same time I would go crazy if you would cheat on me. I am very possessive and I wanted you for me only, for my whole life. I have also constantly the wish to protect you, so if somebody even thinks of hurting you, that person better watch it. Sometimes I wished only I had the pleasure spending time with you, looking at you. You are so beautiful and people love you, so I was always a bit afraid to lose you to some other person, man or woman.”

  “Are you possessive? I didn’t notice this about you. You seem so gentle and soft. Perhaps it takes time to get to know all the aspects of your personality. But I agree with you, I don’t approve cheating as well.” I made a pause and then continued: “Claire, I want to know more about you.”

  This time she started talking without any persistence from my side. God, it was hard to figure out how this person functions.

  “At first look I do seem gentle and calm, many people told me so, and usually I don’t like talking to people personal stuff, though I am a social person, communicative, but when talking about intimate things, I am more of a listener. But this can change too, though it didn’t happen too many times in my life. I want to protect myself from getting hurt. When I feel confident with somebody and I sense that I can really trust that person, I feel somehow assured that I will never be disappointed, then I finally open up. And you managed to make me open up very fast. You had the magic spell on me from the first day I saw you,” she said with very naughty expression in her eyes to which I didn’t know exactly how to react.

  “At first glance, slim body, warm eyes, melodic tone of voice, gentle gestures could show a soft person, but most probably you built in an invisible armor to get you protected from disappointment and getting hurt, as you said.”