MAGNETIC REVERIE Read online

  “You smell so nice and fresh! I love it when you don’t wear any make-up. And….” he paused, stopped and looked at me with a serious expression. “…in case you didn’t know, I wanted to tell you that you are the one I love the most in the world. But you probably know that already, don’t you?” he asked, whispering in my ear. He kissed me.

  “No, I don’t. Why don’t you try harder to convince me?” I teased. He was being theatrical and it amused me.

  “You are really foxy, you know? I can try harder. Why don’t I show you right away? But remember, you asked for it, so I don’t want to hear any complaints!” He took me in his arms and carried me, slowly swaying to the rhythm of the music. He set me down on the bed. Following the rhythm, he started kissing and undressing me slowly. It was our first night in our fourth year of marriage. The passion was still there, perhaps not as intense as it was at the beginning, but the emotions were stronger. I could still hear the music from the living room, and our bodies moved to the rhythm. Slowly, the sound of music was somewhere in the back, almost forgotten. It was just me and him, breathing in our love and our desire.

  I loved the touch of his body: his chest against my naked breasts. He started kissing me all over my body. First on the lips, and then, he slowly moved lower down my neck. For the first time, he didn’t seem to be in a hurry when he reached my breasts. I could feel his tongue and gentle kisses on my nipples. He was kissing me everywhere, gently, most of the time, but rough, at moments. He whispered in my ear, “I love you!” He continued to kiss and caress my hair, down the side of my neck. I got lost in him, and my desire was growing, gradually. His hands moved down on my back, to my buttocks. He grabbed me and turned me around. I was on top of him, looking him in the eye, with an expression of deep desire. I saw the same in his eyes. His hands were caressing my breasts. My body was responding to his kisses and touches. I felt shudders of pleasure. I knew he wanted me, as badly as I wanted him. I longed to feel him inside me, like never before. He knew when it was time to take me and didn’t keep me suffering with desire any longer. Waves of pleasure followed, one after another. I couldn’t tell when one came and the next one started. We made love all night, like we had in the beginning. I was so much in love, and connected with him. I felt like a real woman, desired, loved, beautiful and adored. In his arms, I felt gently protected. This was how we fell asleep, both naked, with my head resting on his chest and his arms tight around my body.

  Chapter 5

  THE KISS

  The kiss, this emotional expression of love, appreciation, respect or affection, it’s an expression of care, but it can have as well sexual connotation. As kids, we used to do it just out of pure curiosity. There can be so many reasons behind a kiss, a touch of your lips with the other’s.

  “How was your day yesterday, Lana? Are you feeling better? Did you manage to remember something more?” She had a really nice voice. I didn’t realize that on the previous days. It seemed pleasant in the beginning, but now, there was something more in her voice and I really liked it.

  She had probably returned from the job interview. At least my short term memory in dreamland was still working.

  “I am fine and I feel the same. I am still confused. I don’t recall a thing about my life here anymore than three days ago. But I remember that you had a job interview and I want you to tell me everything!” I said, in a happy voice. I didn’t really care about the interview, but I had decided to play along as it was the third time I was finding myself in this dream with Claire.

  “OH! They asked me so many questions. I think I managed to answer all of them well, as in the end, they told me that I would hear from them in the following days. Can you imagine? I might get to travel around the world. They are going to pay me to do that! This will be my dream job!” She was so happy and thrilled about it. I stood up and hugged her. It was a friendly hug, but she seemed confused. She stopped and pushed me away.

  “I am sorry. I know we said that we can be still friends, but it is hard to be close to you knowing that you don’t want me anymore. I am sorry I am being so weak these days. There were days when I thought I had gotten used to the idea but you were very cold then and I didn’t like you at all. Just in the last few days, you seem fragile. You don’t remember anything. This is waking in me the desire to protect you, to take care of you and to make sure that everything is all right. It is almost like it was when you were my girl, when we were one.”

  She seemed honest, and was so cute in all her misery. I looked at her and didn’t know what proper words or gestures I had to use to express myself in the situation.

  “Claire, I am begging you, just relax! Please have some patience with me. I don’t remember you or us, and I don’t know what to say in response to you. I don’t know why we are not together anymore. I can imagine how much it hurts to have in front of you someone you loved, but doesn’t remember a thing from the past you say that we once had together.”

  She stood up, opened a drawer and took out a piece of paper and looked at it for a while. “Read this. This is what I meant to you. Maybe it will help you remember or at least understand how I feel!” She handed me the paper and turned on the other side. Although she did try to hide it, I had noticed her tears.

  “MY DEAR CLAIRE, I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT LOVE WAS UNTIL I MET YOU. IF I SHOULD DIE TOMORROW, I WOULD BE DEVASTATED ABOUT LEAVING YOU BEHIND, BUT I WOULD DEFINITELY BE HAPPY THAT I GOT TO FEEL THE LOVE I FEEL FOR YOU: THE KIND OF LOVE THAT ONE ONLY READS ABOUT AND CAN NEVER IMAGINE IT TO BE REAL. I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY MIND, BODY AND SOUL AND I WISH FOR US TO BE TOGETHER FOREVER. YOU ARE MINE, I AM YOURS, AND WE ARE ONE. LOVE YOU ENDLESSLY! Lana.”

  Oh my, it was my handwriting. I wrote that! I wrote it for Claire, the girl that stood in front of me with her eyes filled with tears.

  My heart just melted. I went to her and hugged her tight. This time, she didn’t push me away. We stood like that for a while until she seemed calmer.

  “Let’s go to the doctor. If I had those feelings for you and I have written them on the paper, I need to find a solution to bring back my memory. I want to remember all of it. I want to remember us. I want to remember you, Claire!” Saying this, I think I had given her some hope. She took my hand and hurried me up, to get dressed and to go out. She was slim and seemed very gentle. She had power in her hands and I didn’t expect that.

  We started walking. I let myself be led by her. As the clinic was at walking distance, we went on foot. On the way, I was constantly looking at her and remembering the love letter that I had written to her. They were powerful words. I wouldn’t see myself writing such words of love to Greg, despite the fact that I believed that I had loved him very much. Was I capable of feeling such deep emotions? Was it possible to feel all this for a girl? I would never expect that from me!

  “It’s good that you have the additional health insurance that you signed up for last year. You can get in immediately.”

  Oh yes! I was a mathematics professor. Working in the public sector, my salary was not high but, most probably my health was important to me. I decided to pay a little extra to be safe and not wait in line in case there was any urgency. After walking for ten minutes, we arrived at the clinic. She talked with the woman at reception, and even filled up forms for me. I felt like a child. I felt secure with her. She handled everything, and in a couple of hours, I passed medical exams and discussed with the doctors. The conclusion was that I might suffer from amnesia and that sometimes it happened that one would need a few days and occasionally, more than that, in order to recover. The doctors couldn’t predict anything as it differed from case to case. But otherwise, I was completely healthy. Or at least my head seemed to be in order and I had no signs of a tumor or an injury that could have been caused by an accident or some form of physical trauma. I felt lost and wasn’t talking much. The doctor gave Claire advice on what to do to help me recover my memory. He might have told her more things but a part of me was still very aware that all of this was just a d
ream. And so, I wasn’t quite listening.

  I felt sad that there wasn’t an immediate solution. Not that I had much hope, anyway. While taking all the medical exams, I had suddenly forgotten that it was all just a dream. I felt like this was reality, and I began to take it very seriously. It was like my wish to find out more about Claire. But it came back to me. It was just a dream and I wanted to enjoy it as long as it was pleasant.

  “Let’s go for some ice cream. It’s summer time after all. I know which you like best, so let’s see if you can remember too!” she said cheerfully. She didn’t seem to be bothered at all that the doctors couldn’t find anything.

  “Vanilla – dark chocolate!” we said at the same time, and then smiled.

  “Yes babe, first thing you remember! That’s the first step. We will take as many steps as necessary!” She took my hand while saying this. But, a moment later, she let it go. Was it because we were in a public place? Or did she think I would not approve of it?

  We started walking back towards the city center. Everything seemed familiar to me. We saw lots of people walking by, sitting on terraces, eating, drinking coffee and beer and the like.

  We passed Tromostovje Bridge, walked by the Ljubljanica River and stopped briefly at a pizza place called Ljubljanski Dvor. As there was no empty table, we decided to go and eat the ice cream first. We took a right and walked up the stairs.

  All these places were so familiar to me. The last time I visited Ljubljana was when I had come to see my parents and friends less than three years ago, soon after I had gotten married. It felt so good to see everything again. Actually, I was planning to visit already this year, so my dreams had taken me here before. Was this why I had this dream? Just like Erica said, it could be that I had missed home and everyone and everything related to it! But why was Claire present in it? She wasn’t a part of my past!

  We didn’t talk much while we walked. Claire looked at me from time to time, probably trying to figure out what was in my head. In the next right corner, I saw it. It was Zvezda, the place with the best ice cream in Ljubljana, at least for me.

  “How did you know?” I asked her.

  “Lana, can I please ask you not to wonder so much about all that I know about you? We’ve known each other for three years. Of course I know! Sometimes, I get the feeling that I know you better than you know yourself!”

  And here it was, on the corner of Wolfova Street, next to Zvezda Park, not far from Tromostovje Bridge, University of Ljubljana and Plečnik square, Zvezda Café, Bistro and Deli. We enjoyed the ice cream, while looking at people passing by. I noticed that I was paying more attention than I needed to Claire’s lips while she ate the ice cream. I remembered the kiss again.

  “Kiss me now!”

  “What?” she exclaimed, seeming genuinely confused. “You got to be joking! You are really playing with me and my feelings. You better stop that!” Her face changed in a moment and she looked very angry.

  “I am sorry, I just felt that spontaneously, hoping it would help me remember more. I am sorry, I didn’t want to upset you!” I was really sorry. Suddenly, I couldn’t enjoy my ice cream anymore. I don’t know why I got that wish and even express it. It was really stupid of me.

  “What you said was wrong for two reasons: first, I asked you not to play with my feelings anymore, I have suffered enough. Second, we are in Ljubljana, not in Washington or wherever you imagine that you live lately. I don’t know how it is there but here, although you may see two girls are seen kissing in the middle of the city on the terrace of a coffee place, a majority of people will stare at them. So, I rather avoid it, it is the way I chose it. People are in general open-minded, but still not all of them and we did agree when we were together that we would rather keep our relationship under wraps. I know it’s not easy to keep hiding from people but we wouldn’t have to justify in front of anybody or face strange looks!” she said. I understood.

  “I understand, I remember that the number of people attending gay pride parades in Slovenia increased year after year and more and more people have become aware and have showed their acceptance and tolerance. But often it seemed to me that it was expressed more as a mask. In my opinion, despite the advance in LGBT activism, homosexuality is still judged, especially when it concerned members of family, close friends or work colleagues. So I understand and accept your decision!” My words and calmness of my voice somehow relaxed her so it encouraged me to continue talking. “It was silly of me before as I just felt I wanted to kiss you, I didn’t think of anything else.” The last years in the US made me feel quite abreast to see people of different raises, dressed any way they feel like, men holding hands, women kissing and hugging. But maybe this was better accepted in big cities only, like Washington. But I might be wrong as well. Again she didn’t comment anything so I felt I may continue talking.

  “Isn’t it frustrating? You know, to be outside with the person you love and if you are in a non-traditional relationship you need to control your wish of kissing, holding hands, hugging?” the question that came normally to me as I just felt before the wish to kiss her.

  “Yes it is and believe me it’s the same frustrating for me as it is to you. Actually I remember that in the past we talked about it often. But we solved the frustration the moment we chose what was most acceptable for us. The only public place where we would kiss or hug was either in the cinema or when we went shopping and it didn’t seem strange that two girls are entering together in the fitting room. But otherwise we controlled ourselves. Sometimes our eyes could express what the body was forbidden to do. Call it law of compensation.”

  “But are all couples like us doing the same? I must admit I never paid much attention to it in Slovenia, but in US I got the feeling that not many people seem to mind or stare.”

  “Again you with this US thing. But yes, lately in Slovenia more and more people started to come out, although big part of them are still keeping that part secret to avoid being judged or to be required to justify their love. So I believe everybody chose what suits them. I believe the more guts you have and the more determined you are to follow your orientation, the easier would be to come out of the closet. I wish I would be like that, but I am not.”

  Yes this was making sense. Everybody decides what’s best for them. But still, this is so unfair. Why somebody will judge you for your own choice. As long as it doesn’t affect them, why would they care? Of course I am not thinking of exposing very intimate details in public. But I do understand that it might not be easy to come one day to your parents and tell them: Guess what? I am gay. I tried to imagine telling my parents this and it was immediately clear to me that I wouldn’t be brave enough to do that and I wouldn’t want to cause them any shock of this kind. Born and raised partially in a communist country, where the only visible relationship was between a man and a woman, I believed it takes time to accept and get used to different kinds. With every new generation it will be easier, I was convinced.

  I don’t know how long I let my thoughts run around when I was interrupted by her voice, this time with a very determined tone. “And babe, please stop with this US bullshit. I am sorry to hurt your feelings, but it’s only in your head. Live your American dream on your own, I am not buying it though. I know you for three years and before that I know you went to university, high-school, elementary school and kindergarten, all of them in Slovenia. I don’t recall you ever mentioning that you visited US, but you might have been there as a tourist, for a limited period of time. But I really doubt that you were. Anyhow I know you love to travel so your mind could simply play a trick on you picking up a place that you visited like being your home now. So please, even if you believe you were there, for my sake, please stop mentioning it. It’s annoying, and bit snobbish of you, I might say. And also the thing that you say that you are married, for God’s sake, stop telling it to me! It’s hard enough for me to deal with losing you and much too early to imagine you with anyone else,” she stopped and not necessarily waiting f
or an answer, just felt probably better to put this out of her chest.

  While I was thinking of this and trying to process all what she was saying, a nice young couple was passing by, they were holding hands and looked happy and from time to time they stopped and kissed. Nobody paid any special attention to them, or at least you couldn’t see that it was something that could bother anyone. They were a heterosexual couple. I looked at Claire and saw that she was looking at them also, didn’t know though what were her thoughts about, but I knew I still wanted to kiss her.

  “Let’s go home, I need some time inside four walls, and who knows, I might let you kiss me,” she said it playfully. I enjoyed hearing that change of tone in her voice.

  I accepted her suggestion immediately, actually it wasn’t like I had any choice as she just left on the table the money that covered the bill and started walking. Yes, this was something that people would normally do in Slovenia and giving a tip was just a person’s choice, not a must have. On the way to the apartment I kept thinking if I would really kiss her before, in case she would have agreed. Maybe this was one of those moments when I thought I am braver than usually or maybe the real taste of ice cream made me feel more adventurous. Or was it because I was looking so intensively at her nice full lips?

  It wasn’t right anyway. Most probably I wanted to kiss her just because of curiosity and not because I really had that desire in me, at least not in the way I felt like when wishing to kiss any guy from my past relationships or my husband.